Pippin: A Magical To-Do

First, I will commence by saying that clearly, I am not a professional reviewer of anything.  My review is my own opinion, uneducated though it may be.

Second, I will not reveal the "secrets" about the show, by which I mean all the wonderful surprises that happen throughout the show.  If you want to know about all the amazing tricks, athleticism, jokes, humor, etc., you'll just have to go see it for yourself.

Third, I will spoil the plot.  If you don't know what the show is about and want to go in with a clean slate, quit reading now.  I will mention it a few more times before I give my synopsis of the show, but you are forewarned:  I will give away the basic plot.  I won't tell you how it ends, but you can probably guess.

Ok, so here goes...  Some background.

Growing up, this record album was a common sight in my parents' record stack.  I suspect it was because of the bright purple cover and the clowns that my sister and I gravitated towards it.  My parents went and saw it on Broadway back in the 70's when it first came out, and I'm not sure but I think my mom told me she was pregnant with me at the time, so I feel like it was ingrained in me even in the womb.  My sister and I played this record a lot.  A really, really lot.  We just loved it.  When I was in middle school, someone from school wound up with a VHS copy of the production, which starred William Katt, whom I adored and still secretly do adore--my sole dip of the toe into the world of blonds, and Lesley Denniston who was on Guiding Light, my preferred soap opera, as well as featuring Ben Vereen reprising his role as the leading player.  My sister and I wore that sucker out.  (You can see the whole thing on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbIjn66sTr0 if you ever have 2 hours you don't know what to do with--it's genuinely worth watching.).  Fast forward to my twenties, and I'm getting married, and I desperately want the song With You to be our wedding song.  Mike vetoed it.  I believe it did make in on the CD we gave out, although I'm not sure.  But singing it to him and hearing it over and over again, I decided I wanted to see Pippin again.  Yet it was very difficult to get one's hands on a copy.  I finally was able to find one on Ebay, but it was the censored version (there's a fairly racy sex scene in the middle of the show).  Finally I tracked down an unedited version and purchased it.  It arrived in a dinged up clamshell, I watched it all the way through, the tape broke, and that was that.  But I didn't have the heart to throw it in the trash.  (It is now readily available on DVD on Amazon--OF COURSE!)

Fast forward a few more years, I'm living in Washington DC, and Stephen Schwartz (who wrote Pippin) is coming to the Kennedy Center to do a talk and introduce some singer/songwriters for some sort of something.  My sister was a member of the Kennedy Center, so we easily got tickets and hilarity ensued.  Stephen spoke for a good while, and sang Corner of the Sky (yes, I was quite sure I'd died and gone to heaven, as it's my favorite song from the entire show).  He talked about writing Pippin in the 70's and how it seemed to resonate with people, as everyone was trying to 'find themselves' back then.  They saw Pippin's quest to find meaning in his life and it touched a chord.  After we got done with the songwriter portion of the situation, everyone was allowed to line up to pay their respects to one of the kings of Broadway.  Just as we got to the front of the line, they announced it was done.  My sister was not taking no for an answer, given that we'd waited in line well over an hour and stepped forward, burst into tears and bowed as if she was meeting the king.  Judy has a history of losing her shit when her favorite celebrities are nearby--I suspect she possibly did nothing but giggle at Alan Alda--but this was epic even by her standards.  Then she wisely intoned with the most bizarre accent, "May I present (dramatic pause) my sister?" sweeping her arm in my direction with great flourish and while I attempted not to die laughing, I stepped forward and met an idol.  "May I present...my sister?"  is now something of legend between us.  Well, I had brought my battered Pippin VHS, and asked Stephen to autograph it.  Because he had recently written Wicked and the room was full mainly of high school students, I think he was genuinely touched that there was someone in the room who remembered and loved Pippin so much.  Unfortunately he had a black sharpie and most of the VHS cover is black, so I had him sign it on the inside, where only I know it is, but it's there. :-)

I've never stopped playing the soundtrack.  I'm pushing 40 now, and it's been the soundtrack of my life in a way nothing else, no other artist or album has ever been.  So now you know how much I love, absolutely love this show.

While I was researching my trip to NYC for other reasons, a little sidebar ad came up advertising the Pippin revival.  It won several Tony awards last year, and my sister swears she told me all about it, but I honestly don't remember any of that.  So when I saw it had been revived, and with a woman as the Leading Player, I was surprised and extremely skeptical.  I talked to Judy about it and she said she wouldn't go because Pippin was wearing boots (more on this later), but that she had heard great things about it.  I'm not sure what possessed me, but I thought, "Well, we'll just see about this!" and I secured myself a ticket.  And then I went back to pretending it wasn't happening, until yesterday, which was the big day.

**SPOILER ALERT.  HERE'S WHERE TO STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS**

For anyone who doesn't know, a bit about the show. Pippin is a highly fictionalized account of the life of Pippin, oldest son of Charlemagne.  Yes.  That Charlemagne.  Holy Roman Empire Charlemagne.  The story is led by a character called Leading Player, a role which made Ben Vereen famous and earned him a Tony award, and is now played by Patina Miller, who also won a Tony for the role.  This made Tony history, as it was the first time two people of opposite genders won Tonys for the same role.

Pippin has recently graduated school and has come home, determined that his life have meaning.  He's not sure what exactly he should do, and he speaks to his father.  In the course of that conversation, he determines he will join the army and fight for his father alongside his half-brother Louis.  Louis is "an ideal solder: strong and stupid".  Louis's mother, Fastrada, is Charlemagne's second wife and a typical doting mother who wants her son to be king.  Charlemagne reluctantly allows Pippin to come to war with him.  War is not what Pippin expected and he is exhausted and sickened from the bloodshed.

He flees to the house of Berthe, his grandmother.  She tells Pippin to quit worrying and start living.  She is quite a saucy old lady--originally played by Irene Ryan of Beverly Hillbillies fame, and in the link I posted, by Martha Raye.  Pippin agrees with his grandmother's philosophy and turns to women, aided by Leading Player.  This is where the orgiastic sex scene comes in and there is some indication of drug use going on, although in the version I just saw, I felt the scene had been toned down to be somewhat more appropriate for younger audiences (if such a thing is possible).  Pippin finds that this string of 'relationships' has also left him feeling unfilfilled, and soon hears of his father's tyranny from Leading Player.

Encouraged by Fastrada, Pippin decides to overthrow his father and kills him.  He then assumes the throne, but quickly learns that being king is extremely difficult, there are no right answers, and he begs Leading Player to bring Charlemagne back to life, which is done.  Pippin then tries his hand at art and religion, neither of which is explored in any detail beyond a couple of snappy punchlines, and then he collapses in despair in a heap on the stage, lamenting that he will never find fulfillment.

Pippin is found by Catherine and brought to her home.  Catherine is a widow with a foot fetish (hence why the boots in the new version are a problem) and a young son, Theo.  She is thrilled to have Pippin on her estate.  He is put to work helping with gardening, farm chores, home repairs, but eventually he and Catherine confront the feelings in their blossoming relationship.  This makes Leading Player extremely unhappy, as s/he has plans for Pippin, and when Catherine suggests Pippin sit at the head of the table, Pippin flees from domestic life as refusing to give in to a common life and believing it can offer contentment and fulfillment.

The Leading Player offers him an alternative in a finale, and Pippin must make a choice between "the most perfect act ever" or accepting and choosing what made him truly happy and fulfilled: life with Catherine and Theo.


So I suppose I should first talk about the show.

All my skepticism was misplaced.  The show absolutely blew me out of the water.  It was so good that I forgot to sing along even in my head.  Several times I began to applaud even though I was the only one applauding. 

They have dressed the stage to look like a giant circus tent.  The players are still made up like clowns and acrobats.  I was a bit concerned when I heard someone utter "They made it into Cirque du Soleil" when I entered the theater, because although I would very much like to see Cirque du Soleil, I don't generally find it to be a high energy type thing, I think of it as more ethereal and swishy.  Bob Fosse originally choreographed Pippin, and so I want to see serious moving, not riding around on ribbons and sashaying across stage in a giant bubble.

I was not disappointed.  The choreography was top notch.  It was quick and fun and interesting.  There was a good bit of circus type stuff involved--tons of acrobatics, gymnastics, that kind of thing--but in ways that kept up with the music and made sense.  You can see a montage of the show at http://www.pippinthemusical.com/ on the homepage and get a sense of what it actually looks like.  At 2:04, you'll see how they created "PIPPIN" using their bodies and props to resemble the original record cover, which I thought was a great tribute to the original.

I wasn't able to envision anyone but Ben Vereen as the Leading Player, and certainly not a woman.  30 years of watching Ben Vereen dance his heart out left an indelible impression on me, I suppose.  But Patina Miller was an absolute revelation.  She erased all my doubts about how anyone could fill Ben Vereen's shoes.  You literally cannot take your eyes off her, she commands the stage entirely. 

Michael James Thomas was an outstanding Pippin, probably the best one I've ever seen, and although he played it coy a bit when starting to dance, he really could dance very well and keep up with Patina Miller rather impressively.  I loved that he made the part his own--he sang the songs in his own way, and I thought he did it beautifully, particularly Corner of the Sky, which he made less of a ballad and more of a mission statement.  He sang it with a purpose and determination I'm not sure I'd ever heard before.

Charlemagne was played by Terence Mann, who my sister assures me is Broadway royalty, although I confess I've never heard of him.  His real-life wife, Charlotte d'Amboise, played Fastrada, and I suppose if I had to choose a weak link in the production, it might be her, but honestly it's only quibbling.  She did a great job dancing and singing her lines, but I didn't connect much with Fastrada.  Usually, I'd admire how cunning and devious she is, but this go-round, something didn't quite punch me in the gut about her.  Mann was a fine Charlemagne, if perhaps less 'rotund' than most I've seen.  His Charlemagne was quite serious, although jovial, and the cast did not mock him as I've seen before--he was treated with more deference.  Still, it felt appropriate to this particular production.

A very pleasant surprise was Berthe, Pippin's grandmother, played by Tovah Feldshuh.  I didn't think there was anyway they could make Granny any saucier, but in fact they did!  And what she managed to do was incredible.  It was a great honor to meet her in the autograph line afterwards.  She was absolutely amazing.  There was a moment when she sang to Pippin, "You are my time".  Maybe 2 seconds, but oh so poignant.  Made me think of my girl and I felt very emotional.  Feldshuh and Thomas managed to convey such lovely emotion in a song that is fairly upbeat and fun.  It was a 'blink and you'll miss it' moment, and I'm so glad I didn't miss it.

Although I knew in my head that Catherine was a widow and single mother struggling to support herself and her son, for obvious reasons, that character really struck a new chord with me this time.  Rachel Bay Jones played the role.  She has a lovely Carol Kane-esque voice that added a new dimension to Catherine's character--WITH JUST HER VOICE!  Imagine?!  Imagine being able to change a part with just your voice??  The Leading Player exposes and toys with her insecurities--she is getting older, she is scared, she is lonely--and Catherine manages to move beyond those doubts and fears to be who she is.  When she sang "I Guess I'll Miss the Man" and cried over how much she loved her husband, I fell into a brief despair.  Pippin isn't that man, Pippin can't be that man, Pippin may never choose to be that man, and Catherine is stuck in life with very few choices--we can only imagine far fewer choices than I have today in the same situation.  And yet, she allows Pippin to leave with a dignity that belies her feelings.  I have many lessons to learn from Catherine.

The show has been updated slightly to become more modern--Granny sings about 'tweeting', there is a crack about Louis's being gay, but nothing that felt forced or out of place.  For kicks, I played a couple of the songs from the old soundtrack back to back with songs from the new one, and apart from the update to War is a Science, which I thought was unnecessary, I thought they were all quite good and sounded fantastic.

I'll keep singing about finding my corner of the sky, taking the time to keep living, because ultimately, "All I Need to Know About Life, I Learned From Pippin".

1.  I want my life to be something more than long.
2.  It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart.
3.  There's one thing to be sure of:  there's nothing to be sure of.
4.  If I just pitch in and do what's right, things will always work out.
5.  So many plans need making.  I think I will.
6.  Take it easy.
7.  There's no trick to staying sensible.
8.  Be conservative with a budget, liberal with a meal.
9.  Some men are heroes, some men outshine the sun, some men are simple good men, it's ok to love one who isn't one.
10.  It was here.

I hope everyone puts this wonderful production at the top of their list of shows to see and I look forward to seeing it again (and again!). :)

NYC: What Is It About You?

So yesterday was my big trip to New York.  I'd been planning it a while, and Friday sat down with a couple of BuzzFeed Lists to put the finishing touches on the culinary portion of my little tour.  Initially my plan was to go to the Strand Bookstore (http://www.strandbooks.com) and get lost for an entire day in the stacks.  Then I heard, and I don't know how I missed this but I did, that Pippin had been revived on Broadway.  Pippin is, without question, my all time favorite musical.  So I knew I had to go see that.  Then I got thinking about other NY things I hadn't done, and one of them was going to the top of the Empire State Building.  So I tossed that on the list, and my plans for the day were complete.

I spent Friday night at Melissa's, as she was watching Leah for the day so I could go on my trip.  It was her usual monthly time to get Leah anyway, so I just planned to go then anyway.  I had a hard time sleeping--I was REALLY excited, so I woke up at 1, sure I'd missed the alarm and and again at 3:30.  At 3:30 I stayed awake.  When the alarm went off at 4, I got up and quickly got dressed, then headed to Union Station.  I got there about 4:45 and the train left at 5:25, so I didn't have to wait too long.

When I took Penny to NY back in the day, we discovered The Quiet Car.  There is no talking, no cell phone use, nothing in The Quiet Car.  I got into a car that wasn't the quiet car at first, and there were a couple of people behind me talking and laughing, so when the train stopped at BWI, I got up and moved ahead one car, and lo and behold, I found the quiet car.  By Baltimore, I was sound asleep, and I didn't wake up again till the conductor came through to tell us that we were in Newark and only one stop to go.  I caught my first glimpse of the new Freedom Tower and the NY skyline.

I have to be honest and say that my first few minutes in NYC were minutes of disorientation.  I had to leave Penn Station to go find the N/R lines (aka the Never and the Rarely), and when I first came out into the sunlight, I couldn't quite make out north/south and east/west.  So I went half a block in the wrong direction before heading the correct way.  I had no trouble finding the train, and since I had a vague idea of where the Strand was, I ignored the directions I had once I got to the correct subway stop, and followed my instincts.  Sure enough, there was the Strand, dead ahead!

It was almost 10, so I stopped in at a Pret a Manger just to grab a quick croissant and bottle of water.  I sat there, right across from The Strand and stared at it.  I wasn't quite ready to go in yet.  But let's face it, a croissant only last so long, so I left and went across the street and stepped inside.  The angels sang, a rainbow shone in the window, and pixies danced in a circle at my feet.

Ok, maybe not.  The main floor of the Strand looks like any other bookstore, only larger.  There were a LOT of people on that floor, and it was almost difficult to navigate.  Everything is crammed very tightly together, the width between shelves is just enough for one person.  But I saw signs for the basement, the basement where bargains live, and I rolled on down.  It was like a wonderful labyrinth of bookshelves.  You could turn down one aisle and 5 more aisles stretched out in front of you, or you could turn into one and find a dead end.  It would be impossible to look at every title--the shelves seemed 10 feet high, and books were crammed on tables and racks and shelves and every available surface.  Before too long, I had an armload, and I went to the first floor for a cart.  I traipsed around there a while, as well as the second floor, and then went up to the third floor where they have rare books.  I had to leave my bag and cart with a minder and I sat and looked through a book about apartheid, as well as some movie books and other old, fascinating books.  They were just beautiful, let me tell you.

It was after noon and I was getting hungry.  I didn't really want to carry a huge pile of books around NYC all day, but the Strand will hold your books for you and you can come back for them.  You don't even have to pay for them till you come back.  So I elected to do that.  My lunch of choice was Peanut Butter and Company.  I have long loved their peanut butter and all the different flavors they have, and I decided I would walk down there for lunch.  "just a few blocks" my directions said, but sure enough, nearly 45 minutes later, I found the place.

This is the exterior and it looks pretty good sized from outside.  Unfortunately looks are deceiving.  A good half of that space is the kitchen and front counter area. Another good bit is a small display area.  There are maybe 6 tables crammed into a very small space indeed, and if someone is sitting at one table it is practically impossible for anyone to sit behind them at the next table, to say nothing of navigating between.  There was a guy and his girlfriend at one table, and behind him was a little girl sitting with her mom, and you couldn't have gotten a piece of paper between them.

So I chose to get my lunch to go.  I didn't know where exactly I would go, but after my sandwich was wrapped and packed, I took it and walked over to a nearby building.  I thought I'd sit on the stairs, but there were benches and it turned out it was the NYU law school.  So I opened up my "Cookie Dough Surprise" sandwich and took a bite.

The angels sang, a rainbow shone in the window, and pixies danced in a circle at my feet.  Just kidding.  It was a plain ole peanut butter sandwich.  Absolutely nothing special about it at all.  I ate half of it and gave the other half to a homeless person.  It did absolutely nothing for me, and I was HUNGRY at this point.  (If I ever go back, which seems extremely unlikely, I try the PB and bacon sandwich.)  So I decided I would try BuzzFeed's recommendation for S'mac, which is only 3 blocks from the Strand.  I walked back that way via Washington Square park, where I had never been before.  I thought from the directions that it would be MAYBE a 3 minute walk from the Strand to S'mac, but in fact, it was 3 of the longest city blocks I've ever seen and it was after 1:00 by the time I got there.  I had show tickets for 2:30 and the people at S'mac were in no hurry to serve me or the people who walked in behind me, and it seemed like (and it's a good thing) they were making everything to order, and I couldn't get even an estimate of how long it would take to get a dish, so I chose to leave and head back to the train station to go back to Times Square.  (For not the first time, I was way happy not to be hauling books!)

I got up to Times Square around 2:00 and found Nuchas Empanadas, also a BuzzFeed pick.  They had a 3/$8 special, so I ordered an Argentinian, a spicy cheese, and a spinach/portabello.  I sat on a chair in a seating area they had set up and watched the newest Times Square phenomenon, cartoon characters.  They are EVERYWHERE, and they accost tourist for pictures and tips.  It was insane.

So I bit into the spicy cheese one first, I GUESS as I'm not even really sure what the heck it was, and it was ok, but not mind-blowing.  The portabello one I did not like at all.  And the Argentinian was ok too.  But I was hungry and out of time so I ate!  Then I navigated my way through the pedestrian traffic to get to the Music Box Theater.  I have no idea whatsoever if it was because it's Saturday, if it's because there are more cars, if it's because every sidewalk and building in the area seems to be under construction, if it's because of the people, but Times Square is an effing zoo.  People were literally falling off the sidewalks into the street to walk.  I was totally and completely miserable.  I HATE crowds, absolutely hate them.  I get panicky if people are pushed up around me, and sure enough it was packed.  And I don't know if it's the Bloomberg legacy, I don't know if I'm older and more tuned in, I don't know if it was spending time in Chicago where people are pretty darned nice, I don't know what it is, but it has gotten NASTY in NY.  People are outright mean and rude.  I mean, I know that's NY's reputation, but when I lived there I felt like it got better.  The city is back to being crowded, rude, pushy, dirty, the peep shows are back.  I was really kind of devastated about it.  It's not the NY I knew and loved, that's for sure.

So I got into the theater and had extremely low expectations for how the new Pippin could possibly be any good.  No Ben Vereen, I heard the words "Cirque du Soleil" whispered around me, a skinny Charlemagne, Pippin in boots, a female leading player?  Well, I fully intend to write a separate blog post about Pippin, because it blew me away.  I have been to a number of Broadway shows, a pile of national touring company productions in Boston and DC and other places, and Pippin is unlike anything I have ever seen.  I know the dialogue.  I know the songs word for word, beat for beat, and I was so entranced, I absolutely forgot to sing.  I connected with Katherine on a whole new level.  They made Granny sassier than she has ever been.  Patina Miller was nothing short of extraordinary, as was Michael James Thomas as Pippin, who fairly had sex with Corner of the Sky and sang it with a depth and intrigued that not only showed he made it his own, but also brought new meaning to what has always been my favorite song from the show. 

I am serious about organizing a trip back to NY to see Pippin for anyone who would like to go.  Drop me an email.  We can go up and back in a day, just let me know!  k a t e k o s i o r ( a t ) g m a i l ( d o t ) c o m.  A few Facebook people have indicated an interest, so I'm hopeful!

After the show, I just sat for a few minutes and then went outside and joined the autograph line.  My sister is apparently a massive Terrence Mann fan, although I had never heard of him, not being quite as much of a theater geek as she is.  Judging by the applause he received, I was in a vast minority on that one . Anyway, I wanted to get his autograph for her, but he chose not to come out.  In fact, only Pippin and Granny came out from the lead cast, and a fair number of the supporting cast came out.  So I got a few autographs and then decided to walk down to the Empire State Building for the last big deal of the day.

I've always been somewhat afraid of heights, I'll be honest.  I inherited this from my mother, who is petrified.  When I first met Mike, one of the things he told me was that there was an observatory at the top of the building where he worked, and we went up there to see Boston from 50 stories up.  It sparked something of an obsession with me.  When Penny was here, she was also terrified of heights, but I insisted she go up there.  She refused to go anywhere near the windows, screaming and laughing and I think half crying.  When I took her to NY, we went up to the top of the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty, but honestly she was scared there, and as the day went on and it got cloudy, we skipped the Empire State Building.  But as much as I don't like heights, I do love going up tall buildings.  This fall, I went to the top of the Hancock Tower in Chicago, which I think is 90 some stories up in the air, and for part of it you can walk outside.  So with Boston and Chicago under my belt, I figured it was time to conquer NY.  I knew from the movie Sleepless in Seattle that the observatory at the Empire State Building is outside, and I was feeling somewhat brave in that I liked being outdoors at the Hancock, so I battled my way through Times Square and managed to walk down to the ESB.  It was dark, and around 6pm, and it looked like it was pretty cloudy up there.  Sure enough when I got to the ticket desk, it said "Limited Visibility", but I didn't care, I just wanted to be up there.  

Let me tell you, going to that observatory requires just about a 5 mile hike around the building itself.  You have to go through so many cattle shoots, so many hallways and passages, it was ridiculous!  Then when you finally get to the elevator, if you're not a VIP, you have to wait for the VIP's.  And some Asian teenager gave me his camera and asked me to take a picture of him and his family, so I missed a second elevator doing a good deed, and then the ladies in front of me couldn't get their stroller folded, so I missed a third elevator to more VIP's on account of that!  AUGH!  So frustrating!!!  So I finally got up to the top around 7:00.  But oh it was worth it.  There was a pretty brisk wind up there, so the clouds had been blown away and the view was absolutely spectacular.  The noise and the dirt of the city that was so bothering me disappeared.  (The rude people remained, but I navigated them fairly easily.)  It was a gorgeous night and the sea of lights seemed to stretch forever.  I love natural beauty--oceans, trees, mountains--but I was totally in awe of that city.  It was just amazing.  I walked around quite a while, probably an hour, just gazing out, trying to orient myself.  Eventually I was able to spot the Statue of Liberty and other landmarks.  It was incredible.  All too soon, I figured I'd better get down, find some dinner, and get to the train station.

There used to be a bunch of pizza places around that area, and I did manage to find one tucked down a side street--nothing is where I seem to remember it being over there!  I tucked into some pizza.  It was lackluster by NY standards, but in comparison with all the other food I'd eaten and not enjoyed, it tasted pretty darned good.  I folded it like a pro, and ate it with grease dripping out the back, so it was pretty authentic.  But I did add that to my list of culinary disappointments on the day.  So I headed back to the train station, and on the way I found that they've added something called Broadway Bites to Greeley Square Park.  Basically it's a bunch of small little food stands crammed into this miniscule park, and you can go up and down and try trendy bites.  I paid a visit to Doughnuttery and got 6 mini Cacaoboy doughnuts, still piping hot, and a nice icy apple cider.  I sent my sister a text that read, "Fresh cider and donuts.  God bless NYC".  Not really what I associate with city food, but it was good.  I paid another visit to Red Hook Lobster Pound, and tried lobster mac n cheese (mainly because they were advertising a 1/4 pound lobster roll as a great bargain at $16--um what!?  you can get a whole lobster for that!), but it wasn't so great, and I ate the lobster and tossed the mac n cheese.  Le Sigh.

Made it back to Penn Station with about 30 minutes to spare, and had a bottle of water, discovered that my camera card was having issues (clearly not true given that you are looking at pictures and those of you on Facebook have seen all my pictures!), so I gave up.  I played Sudoku until they called the train, got on the Quiet car, and after a brief scuffle with a cell phone user in Trenton (well, actually the guy behind me told that guy to shut up so I didn't have to), I fell asleep and didn't wake up till BWI.  We got back to Union Station right on time at 12:29, which means I took 2 Amtrak trains without incident, something of a damned miracle!  

What about my books, you ask?

I made an executive decision to ditch the books.  First of all, I picked out nearly $150 in books, and I was paying for this trip out of money I made from selling my freezer this week, which was $160.  It seemed irresponsible.  But also, as I considered whether to go back to the Strand or go to the Empire State Building, I had a good hard think about what titles I had picked out, and I couldn't think of a single one.  Not one.  I could think of what a couple of them were about, but not what they were.  So it seemed that I probably didn't need them.  I felt badly that the Strand staff was holding them and would have to re-shelve them, but I have reasoned that this probably happens quite a bit.  So I didn't do it.  Instead, I bought my admission to the ESB and got a program from Pippin, plus I got a few souvenirs for Leah, who is presently obsessed with New York City, for reasons I can't quite understand, but whatever!

So I got back to the car and drove home, and was back by 1:30 this morning.  The cats could scarcely believe their eyes and curled up right next to me and we slept quite happily till 7:00 when they announced it was breakfast time.  So I got up, did some laundry, went to church, and now have my niece's birthday party and choir practice to attend.  In short, back to usual.  But what a lovely retreat it was, and how happy I am that I can tick that one off the list!!

"They"

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the urgent care clinic to get checked over for an infection.  As I was filling out the paperwork, the receptionist told me that if I came back after Halloween, they would X-ray Leah's candy for me for free.  She intoned in a hushed, world-weary whisper, "It's a shame that people do stuff that makes that necessary."

I thanked her politely and went on with my appointment.  But all the time, I was wondering, "Who, exactly, are 'those people'?".

We recently went through a fairly nasty election cycle here in Virginia.  Or so I'm told, I resolutely did not turn on the radio or cable television from September till November 6.  But according to what I've heard, "they" want to strip our rights, "they" want to take our money, "they" don't like puppies.

Not only do we seem to be becoming more and more of a fractionalized society, we seem to be getting more paranoid.

I remember October of 1984 being the first time I was aware that "they" were out there.  I was 9 years old, it was Halloween, and my father's grandmother had just died, so we were in New Jersey for the funeral.  My grandmother took us trick-or-treating, but it was just two years after the Tylenol Scare, and people were paranoid about poison or drugs in Halloween candy, razor blades in apples.  (According to Snopes, there are no true cases of poisoned Halloween candy, although there have been 80 cases of sharp objects in candy--mostly from kids trying to freak out younger siblings.  Read here for more.)  And so my sister and raked in pennies that year.  All my grandmother's little old lady neighbors handed out foil wrapped packets of pennies.  When all was said and done, we each had well over $5 in pennies, some obtained by giving the ladies a kiss to earn more pennies, which seems a little weird to me now as an adult.  Rewarding children with cash for kissing strangers doesn't seem smart, but it was a more innocent time.

I remember being powerfully excited at the prospect of that much money, but I did think about who exactly out there would want to harm children, harm my little sister and me, by poisoning their candy.  The answer, basically, is no one.

We've heard in the past year about how the government is spying on all of us, listening in on our phone conversations, accessing our Facebook accounts, hacking the cell phones of foreign allies.  Hidden cameras and closed circuit cameras track our every movement.  As if no one can be trusted any more.  As if we are all up to something.

Each time something major goes on in this country, it drives a further wedge between "us" and "them".  Depending on who, exactly, "they" are depends on whoever the 'he' or 'she' is who committed a crime, said something they shouldn't have, behaved in a way we would not have.  The 9/11 hijackers successfully marginalized the entire Middle East to "them" status for many Americans.  Whenever a shooter goes crazy and kills a bunch of people, suddenly all gun owners are 'those gun owners' and those who don't own guns and support gun control (myself included) are 'those people who want to take away our guns'.  There are 'those Republicans' and 'those Democrats' and 'that Michael Moore' and 'that Bill O'Reilly'.  But really, any 'them', any of 'those people' only have the power we ascribe to them.

It has not been any secret among my family and friends that when I am home, I leave my back door open.  Many is the time I've been expecting someone, and suddenly I hear the door open and someone walks right in.  When Mike was alive, the door was open all the time.  I do lock it now that I'm alone with just Leah for protection.  I grew up in a small town where 'they' didn't exist.  Where 'they' still don't exist.  We never locked the doors.  My mother never turned the car off when she went in the post office.  I could drive to my father's this afternoon and not need a key to get in the house.  There is a level of trust and a lack of fear that is refreshing.  Meanwhile, my neighbors warn me that 'they' are breaking into cars at night, 'they' are going to raise our taxes or utility rates, 'they' are going to poison, rape, maim, or kill us while we sleep.

To counteract 'their' presence and possible intrusion in our lives, we develop elaborate schemes with light timers for when we're away.  We leave a spare car.  We don't leave a spare key because 'they' will find it and use it to break in.  We stop the mail, we leave a radio on, we get small, yappy dogs, we install cameras, we pass 'information' on to friends, 99 percent of which can be disproved with a little research.  We don't let our children out of our sight, we don't let our children make their own plans, we kiss our spouses good bye in the morning not quite sure if a crazy on a train will kill them, or if 'those other drivers' will kill them, or if the demands of 'those people' they work with will drive them to an early death.

'They' seem to be from a different country.  'They' seem to have a different skin color.  'They' seem to be of a different faith background or political persuasion.  'They' seem to like Coke instead of Pepsi.  'They' seem to be fat, thin, rich, poor, angry, sad, happy, famous, disabled.

It makes me sad to see so many people nervous and worried, so many people who isolate themselves, stay home, keep their families home.  And I realize in even typing that sentence, I'm probably generalizing another set of 'they's.

To date, I've never met one single other person who has the exact same beliefs, politics, likes/dislikes, hair color, skin color, tastes that I do.  My late husband and I differed politically.  My sister and I, who in sharing a bloodline are as close to the same as any two people can get without being twins, have wildly different views on things, different perceptions of the world.  I like that.  I think 'they' make it interesting.  I think 'they' challenge me to consider and re-evaluate and think. 'They' affirm some of my beliefs, challenge some, and change some.  'They' have value and dignity and worth.

For my own part, I choose to continue to believe in the basic goodness and safety of my life and the people around me.  I try to rush to judgment less, to get to know people more.  I am very happy to say that I'm friends with people who are polar opposites of me in certain beliefs and respects, and while I can't say that I agree with them, nor will my opinions change because of what they've told me, I'm proud to be able to have flourishing friendships that can engage in interesting debate and then move on.  I don't believe there is a dangerous 'they' out there.  I believe there are individuals who do bad things, but they define no one but themselves by their behaviors.

And so, I chose not to X-ray Leah's Halloween candy.

House and Home

So this week, two major things happened with our house.  The first is that I made my first, newly modified mortgage payment.  This has taken well over a year to get put together and agreed to and approved, and when all is said and done, I'll be paying less on my house than I would on a two bedroom apartment here in town.  The benefit of this is that we have continuity and stability, and I don't have to pack and move, which I would dread given the amount of crap I've managed to accumulate in the 8+ years we've lived here.  There are closets I absolutely refuse to open any more.  There's just no storage in this house.  I need a new shed, is what it comes to.  And someday I will.

Paying the mortgage is a big deal for me.  When Mike died, we were clinging by our fingernails, and I thought after he died, "Screw it."  I didn't really want to live here any more for a long time.  But I suppose that's why they tell you not to make any major decisions for a year following a death.  So I'm just as glad that I can live here and pay my bills and make something of it all.

Unfortunately, I also had a roofing guy in here this week and I need to put a roof on the house.  *Sigh*  The turn around time right now is 6-8 weeks, so it looks like I'll be writing a fat check to this homeboy just in time for Christmas.  Given that the money Mike did leave behind has all gone into retirement and education funds, and given that I just bought a new car, this signals the death blow to any major plans for the foreseeable future.  Not that I had any, but it was fun to have some cash on hand and no responsibilities for a while.  Now I have to be responsible again.  Darn it!

I recently began reading the book House Lust: America's Obsession With Our Homes by Daniel McGinn.  I have nothing to really compare my home with except the homes of friends.  Most of the parents of kids at Leah's preschool live in new homes that they have had built, or homes built far newer than my 1970-something split level.  When we were house hunting, my sole requirement to the realtor was that the neighborhood have mature trees.  This basically eliminated any new construction immediately, as around here huge tracts of land are clear cut, houses are built and new trees are planted.  I grew up in a teeny tiny little ranch house (my mom's friend's mother dubbed it "The Dollhouse") with 3 bedrooms and a bathroom, a living room, dining room, and kitchen.  As we got older, my parents added on a family room, office, second bedroom, and second bathroom, and I often wondered if the fact we had more space is what contributed to the collapse of our family.  When we went house hunting, I thought that what we really needed to do was have a house with stairs.  Growing up in a flat ranch, I thought having stairs in a house was the most exotic thing in the world.  So I was totally enamored of the split level.  Not one but two sets of stairs!  I quickly found out when I broke my leg that stairs aren't always the world's greatest thing.  Also hauling 6 loads of laundry down and up the stairs on laundry day quickly loses its appeal. I love the neighborhood.  I love my neighbors.  There are things about my house I like.  But I look at other houses and I think, "Huh.  My house sucks."  And then I remember:

So I'm trying to start with simple things.  I read an article about how to love your house more.  One way is to keep your bedroom clean.  Make your bed every day.  That way, when you climb into bed at night, you feel like it's more of an oasis.  I've never had a television in my bedroom.  The iPad in some ways is an unwelcome intrusion.  But it's also a necessary distraction from being alone, and when I shut out the lights at night, I hear every single noise in the house.  So better to fall asleep with David Mitchell obsessing in my ear than convinced there are intruders ready to rob and murder us. I would like to paint my bedroom, but other than that, it feels pretty much perfect.  I've got new artwork for it, I've decluttered all the surfaces, it's clean and smells nice, there are some candles, and I make the bed every day.  And when I go to bed at night, it feels pretty great.  Even if George Clooney isn't (yet) a prominent feature in there.

I am ready to declutter and organize again.  November 2011, Mike and I sent Leah off to Melissa's and we ripped through the house ruthlessly.  We got rid of 6 carloads of "stuff", although somehow it's all accumulated again.  Coffee mugs that multiply like rabbits, books for babies, hand me down clothing, broken toys, sheet music, board games, holiday decorations, china, craft supplies, tchotchkis  and more.  It needs to go.  Getting rid of the Caliber was a good first step.  I hadn't realized how much holding on to that car was holding me back.  I was so stressed about the check engine light being on, the kid mess in the car, the ripped and stained upholstery, seeing Mike's arm impression on the door.  I was glad to have a good reason to get rid of it--namely to give it to my brother-in-law for commuting purposes, and to have a shiny new car all my own is pretty awesome.  I've put a couple of stickers on it (thus confirming that my car is, in fact, Keep Calm and Carry On red--thanks Lesley!) and only my niece has dared to defile the backseat with chicken nuggets--Leah has done a great job keeping it clean.

But something in my brain seems to have clicked with the new car, and it has led me to take better care of the house.  I've vacuumed twice in the last week, and that is not like me at all.  I was able to find the floor TO vacuum--a major improvement.  I've done floorboards, washed the walls, kept up with the dishes and laundry, planned and schemed about future improvements.  And in just a month's time, my attitude towards the house has improved from one of mutual tolerance to one of genuine affection.  Paying the mortgage has helped with that.  I have ownership in it.  I am putting a substantial portion of my monthly income into paying for the house, and I must take care of it and protect it and maintain it.  Part of that thinking is also no doubt because I a) have 5 mornings a week to myself and b) am not in the throes of deep and heavy mourning any more.

And finally, I've started thinking about the places I've been happiest.  I think of the home I grew up in, small and tiny but bursting with love and laughter and happiness.  I think of my grandparents' cape in New Jersey--4 small bedrooms and one bath for 8 people.  I think of Mike's and my first apartment in Boston, just 3 rooms and a bathroom.  I think of my friend's bachelor pad in Chicago, a small studio where he manages to entertain friends from all over the place very comfortably.  I think of every condo in Myrtle Beach we've stayed in, where each time I remember how very little I need to actually be happy.

So I am training myself not to compare my house to the beautiful, huge, open, new spaces of my friends.  I love their houses, they feel homey and happy and family-filled.  But I love my house too.  And while I would love a new, state of the art kitchen, I'd be totally content to just rebuild the wall between the kitchen and the dining room, repaint the dining room, and move the laundry machines upstairs.  For today, I'll settle for a new roof.  But the house better watch it.  I've got plans.

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I would be remiss if I did not thank my dear friend Elizabeth Vaughan, who muddled through tons of paperwork and phone calls to get my mortgage modified.  I owe her such a great debt of gratitude that can never possibly be repaid, so instead I will tell all the world how wonderful she is and how much I adore her!  Thank you, Elizabeth, Leah and I both love you very much.

I am also very thankful to Jeff Smith, who has been managing my finances and making sure I don't get myself into any financial holes.  Thank you, Jeff, for helping me with all the things I am not terribly good at!

Welcome!

I really miss blogging.  I spend a lot of time on Facebook and could post even more than I do, but that indicates to me that I need a place to actually write.  Given that November is National Novel Writing Month, I thought maybe I'd try blogging again, as I don't have it in me to write a novel this year.  Plus I've been there and done that 3 times, so who really cares, right?  Anyway, I thought about using my old blog and starting that back up, but that really seems like my old life.  I've changed dramatically in the past 15 months, and while my former blog is an excellent source of memories and fun, I think it's time for a fresh start, starting with who I am now, in this moment, and moving forward.  I'll leave the old blog untouched and you can visit it any time at Kate, Katie, Susan, and Sue if you'd like to read it and remember the good old days.

So where are we now exactly?

1.  I've been widowed 15 months, nearly 16.  There are still days this is impossible to believe.  I do a TON of writing for my Writing our Grief group, and I hope part of the function of this blog will be to have a place to store that writing.  I miss Mike so much.  I miss his presence in our lives.  Leah and I just kind of rattle around this place. 

2.  Bucket List!!!  As most of you probably know, as I have told the story, I spent a good portion of the first year without Mike in bed, particularly the first six months.  I know the stuff you're going to read below doesn't indicate that, but I'd go in spurts of hyperactivity and then just take to my bed and feel sorry for myself or sleep through my days.  It became fairly apparent to me that if I kept up like this I was going to lose my daughter and lose my mind.  So I devised a bucket list of all the things that I would be really upset about not being able to do if I died suddenly tomorrow and also things that I just needed to start doing to "get my shit together".  I've accomplished maybe half.  Things like reconnecting with an old friend, taking Leah to Disney to meet Rapunzel, going backstage to meet a band I loved, getting out of the country, seeing the Pacific Ocean, saving our house, entering a competition and getting a haircut indicate everything from the sublime to the ridiculous is on that list.  I have a lot to do.  One of the biggies is going to England.  One of the small things is learning to bake a cake from scratch.  This bucket list has a two year time frame from when Mike died to completion. In the support groups I used to attend, they all said year two is even worse than year one.  I find that now I am able to get through my days far easier, but there are still moments when I have big struggles with my loss and those moments are sharper and more painful than before.  I have cried far harder this year than I did last year, to be sure.  The bucket list has helped me tremendously.  And the ideas contained therein have helped me tremendously as well.  It's nice to have goals and have a place to put a picture of yourself completing them.

3.  School.  I'm more than halfway through my master's program.  I still can't quite see the finish line.  Last month, I seriously considered quitting.  It is exhausting and it is hard.  But thankfully my friends rallied around me and refused to let me give up.  Thus this week alone I have 4 papers to write.  Two are done, mercifully.  Looking ahead, I need to consider an internship, but the idea of commuting in this area makes me want to cry.  Even if it's only in the short term.  But I do know that I need to get some experience before I go job hunting, and an internship would be a great way to do that. 

4.  House.  I have a lot of projects around the house that need doing.  I have 4 rooms that need painting, a guy is coming today to look at the roof, and I need to get the old contractor out here to finish fixing the downstairs ceiling that he started repairing just before Mike died and then never finished in the excitement thereafter.  I need to sell off our freezer and do something about our kitchen/dining room and the upstairs bathroom.  Big money projects, and I don't have big money.  I also need to empty and declutter most of the house, take a lot of crap to Goodwill, especially with Christmas coming and Leah getting even more 'stuff'. I have a new vacuum cleaner and have started taking a much more active role in housekeeping and maintenance.  I don't like most of it, but I like living in a clean house and I can't let the place decay like a modern day Miss Havisham.  So I have a schedule to follow now and it works out just fine.

Leah also really went nuts over getting a cat/kitten, so I got her a kitten from a lady on Craig's List.  Just a week later, a stray wandered in.  Leah named them Cuckoo and Dodo, and they have taken over the joint.  They are a lot of fun and have helped with my stress levels tremendously.  Unlike the previous cats who peed all over everything and fought constantly, these two are fun and get along very well.  

5.  Travel.  I have done a TON of travel this past year.  Starting with our trip to Disney in January, then Austin, Atlanta, Ecuador/Colombia/El Salvador, Chicago twice, Rhode Island and New York, and Myrtle Beach.  We've been everywhere.  I wish I had blogged about each trip, as each one was really, really special.  Taking Leah to Disney was something I didn't think I'd be able to do after Mike died, but as I thought about it, I knew Mike would want me to go through with it.  And we had the best time ever.  It got crazy and convoluted for a while as to whether or not my mother would go, and eventually she didn't, so I changed my reservations around and we stayed on Disney property for the first time.  It was quite an incredible experience, and it felt great and was very convenient as a single parent traveling alone.  Austin was great, I really liked it there and I got to reconnect with my dad's brother and his family whom I haven't seen in years.  Atlanta with Mike and Lesley is always fun, but it was extra special as we managed to plan to go coincidentally when Lesley became a naturalized citizen.  So we got to celebrate that and it was just amazing.  I don't know what I can say about the trip to South America.  There really aren't words to do it justice.  I was so excited to go and experience new things and new cultures.  I think Leah and I were the first members of my family to go to South America.  I wish things had worked out differently on a personal level, but I have no regrets about going and I don't think I would have changed anything.  It was awesome.  The two trips to Chicago were to reconnect with my friend Kyle, with whom I hadn't spoken in 10 years.  I took a chance and sent him an email in March, again as part of my bucket listy stuff, and I really didn't expect to hear back from him, but surprise surprise!  I happily did and next thing I knew, I was visiting him in Chicago.  And then I went back.  Chicago is amazing, it is easy, too easy, to imagine myself living there, especially now that my dear friend Joe and his partner Gregory are moving there this month.  Kyle was  awesome too.  So I'm glad I took that chance.  The annual summer trek to Rhode Island and New York was pretty good as well.  It was very meaningful to take Leah up to Breton Point to fly kites like Mike and I used to do, and to show her all our old stomping grounds, as well as make sure she remains connected to Mike's family.  Going home is always a lot of fun.  And though I've been actively avoiding Myrtle Beach, I finally felt in September that I absolutely HAD to go, and found one open week when we COULD go.  So I booked us a trip and my mom went too.  I was so glad to be back.  I felt so peaceful there and I could physically feel Mike's presence around us.  It was wonderful to show Leah all the things that we had done, all the places we had gone, but also to do new things with her.  She LOVED the Myrtle Beach Sky Wheel, as did I.

I feel kind of bummed that I don't have anything planned until next April now.  I will go to NY on November 16th for a day to complete a major bucket list item, going to the Strand Bookstore.  I was thinking about making a weekend of it, but then I decided instead I would splurge on a ticket to a Broadway show while I'm there, so I'm just going up and back in a day.  I'm crazy excited about it, but it's still 10 days away.  Then I have no plans to go anywhere for a while.  So I need ideas and plans!  Mike and I traveled a LOT, but we didn't go a lot of new places or try a lot of new things.  He was quite set in his ways and doing new things required a lot of careful planning and execution--our trip to Las Vegas, I had a 3 page itinerary for goodness sakes!  Things feel a bit looser and freer now.  It also requires me to conquer my fear of traveling alone sometimes, which is good.  I like that I am fostering a more adventurous spirit!

5.  Here in the community, I continue to be busy.  I was just re-elected to a third term on the board for the choral society.  I am singing in our annual Christmas concert on December 15th, the first concert I've done in over a year.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't enjoy participating in the gala each spring, and babysitting is getting expensive, so I'm going to stop doing that and just try to sing in the summer and Christmas concerts each year, both of which I enjoy tremendously.  I keep busy when not singing by working on the silent auction committee, stage managing, working on fundraising stuff, recruitment, publicity, and social networking.  It's very busy and productive and I feel passionate about doing it.  If I ever don't, I'll simply stop!

I started an Anglophiles club here in town.  So far we have just a few people participating and the most success I've had has been in the book club portion of things, where I have 3 regulars.  Supposedly in January quite a few people will attend as we are reading Bill Bryson's Notes from a Small Island.  I'm trying to alternate so that on odd numbered months we will read non-fiction culture studies and on even numbered months we will read literature.  The rest of this year we are reading literature, though, so we're a bit off track.  So far, we've read The Anglo Files by Sarah Lyall, Austen Land by Shannon Hale, and Below Stairs by Margaret Powell.  This month we are reading Lady Chatterley's Lover by DH Lawrence, next month is A Christmas Carol by Dickens, and then on into 2014.

One of the biggest changes is that I've joined a church.  Most of the people I know here belong to churches and many have actively tried to get me to come and/or join their churches.  I have a long and varied past in religion, and I think  I have long asked questions about things that most people tend to take on faith as a matter of course.  I think questioning long held beliefs is a good thing.  When we lived in Boston, Mike and I were active members of First Parish Watertown, a Unitarian Universalist association.  I looked up the UU when we moved to Fredericksburg, but at the time, they were meeting way across town and I had no interest in driving the whopping 15 minutes across town that would be required to participate.  Earlier this year, I decided I would make the drive, that I needed community and a place to get away from the pressures of the well-intentioned missionaries out there who were after me to come to church, to pray for Mike, etc. etc.  It turned out the UU had built a new church just 2 streets over from our house.  So I started going and on my first Sunday there discovered that my grief counselor was a member, one of the photographers from the newspaper who I know from different media stories about me and Mike goes there, and someone I met through Hospice also goes there.  So good enough for me, three quality individuals I admire and respect attend and I have been a loyal attendee ever since.  This year they started a religious education class for pre-schoolers, which has helped Leah make some sense of the different messages she has gotten from going to VBS and from attending an Episcopalian pre-school.  It is important to me that someday she feels she has the freedom to make up her own mind about what she believes and I believe the UUFF is the place to give her the tools to do so.  Her father died an atheist, and I have changed from a theist to a deist.  It'll be interesting to see where Leah's journey takes her.

6.  Culture.  I've busily partaken of cultural activities as well.  My mom and I have now been to see Les Mis on stage twice, first at Broadway in Richmond and second here in Fredericksburg.  The show in Fredericksburg is still playing and honestly, you can't believe it's dinner theater here.  It is truly Broadway quality and absolutely amazing.  I took Leah to see Mary Poppins at Broadway in Richmond as well.  I didn't care for that one too much, but the sets were incredible. I've seen Barenaked Ladies twice in concert this year and have backstage passes and tickets to see them again in Kingston in January, we went backstage to meet and greet Train as well as Leah's beloved Fresh Beat Band who we will see again in November.  I've now been to a Cubs game, gone to a couple of comedy shows, seen some movies which I suppose doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal but there was a time when I had no interest in anything, so having an interest in movies again is a huge deal.  I've been reading again, watching a lot of BritComs, and of course in 10 short days, I'll be going to see PIPPIN!!!!!!!!  My favorite Broadway show ever.  I'm excited it's enjoying a revival but nervous as to whether I'll like it, particularly without Ben Vereen and with a Pippin who wears boots.

7.  Health.  I've been working on my mental and physical health a lot.  I attend a weekly support group called Writing Our Grief at the local hospice.  It has helped me get a handle on my grief and express it in constructive ways in a group of people who understand me and what I'm going through.  I love our leader, Gloria ( you can read about her here ) and I love the people in the group.  Many of us are widows and widowers, but there are quite a few who are there because they have lost fathers and mothers.  Leah and I also attend a family group once a month with a different Hospice organization, which gives us time to come together over what happened and bond in new and interesting ways.  She also gets to spend two hours with other kids there, all of whom have lost their fathers, and know that she is not unique or alone in her situation.

I have a new primary care physician now.  I spent 10 years with my doctor in Fairfax, and I really, really loved that practice a lot, but when Blue Cross and I got into it and Blue Cross started demanding refunds from all my physicians in the past year, that practice's business office let me know I was no longer welcome.  So I did some looking around and found a doctor here in town.  I had an appointment a week ago and really, really liked both the doctor and the nurse.  I have had some health concerns over the past year, specifically I found a lump.  I kept this to myself.  I live in great fear that something will happen to me and Leah will be left an orphan and that the trauma of that will do terrible things to her.  So I had the lump checked out and mercifully it is nothing to be concerned about.  But I did have some scary moments over that one!!!  Thankfully all is well.

I obviously put on a good chunk of weight after Mike died, and am happy to say I've lost about 20 pounds of it thus far.  I'm trying to ease into clean eating--we've replaced a lot of chicken mcnuggets with salads and homemade soups.  Finding the lump also made me more aware of chemicals in the house, so I've started making my own detergents and using green cleaners.  Things just smell clean, not chemically, and my sense of smell and taste is much improved. 

8.  Creativity.  I took some art classes earlier this year.  I'm converting Mike's old office into an art studio.  I need to start with paint and then get some shelving and build a work surface.  I have tons of ideas from Pinterest both for the space and for projects.  Last year for Christmas, my secret Santa gave me a gorgeous new sewing machine and I haven't had anywhere to set it up.  That is priority one.  I've also had a lot of fun with canvas this year, altering it, painting it, etc.  Papercrafting is probably my milieu. I love working with paper.  I've also done a lot of writing, baking, cooking, and singing.  Better to be creative than destructive.

So I think that's everything and now you are up to date.  My goal is to write something every other day for a month, so check back in two days to see if I'm any good at blogging any more! :D