Barenaked Summer

Tickets to the Last Summer on Earth Tour went on sale back in February.  Two years ago, I went on my first Barenaked Ladies concert binge, going to 3 concerts in 6 months, including one trip backstage in Kingston, Ontario with my dad and Leah, which you can read about here.  It was a pretty amazing night, and so much fun to go with my family, but I really wanted to also be able to share the experience with my sister, as BNL is about the one band that she and I can agree on.  When LSOE16 tickets went on sale, I found VIP passes to Philadelphia, and given that it's only about 3 hours away, I called Judy immediately and said "Are you in?" She was kind of waffly, because I was at work and couldn't really tell her the full details, but eventually she said yes, and I got the passes as her birthday gift.  June 18th.  The day.

Now, when we went to see them in Kingston, I had brought 2 boomerangs with me to have autographed, as "Boomerang" was one of my favorite songs off the Grinning Streak album.  I gave one to my dad, who promptly had Kevin Hearn sign one side, and had Tyler Stewart, Jim Creegan, and Ed Robertson sign the other.  When I said "DAD!  YOU MESSED IT UP!" he said, "Why does it matter?"  So I gave the boomerang to my sister and said she could either display Kevin's side (he being her favorite band member) or the other side with the other 3.  She promptly left it at my house, and it has been sitting carefully preserved in my hutch.  Since you can bring one item to have autographed when you go backstage, I knew I would bring that damned thing and have it corrected.

The morning of the 18th dawned bright and clear, and I had every intention of leaving my house by 8am, dropping Leah off with my friend Kirsten for the weekend, picking my sister up by 9, and being in Philly by noon.  Unfortunately, because I was nervous and excited, and also thanks to a passing coal train, I didn't leave town till 8:40, courtesy of two trips back to the house, one of which was to retrieve the boomerang, which I had forgotten.  Little matter though, Judy texted me to tell me she had changed clothes 6 times and I needed to get up there because she was making herself and everyone around her crazy.  Dropping Leah off was no problem, getting to Judy's was no problem, but kidnapping her from her daughter who was absolutely beside herself that Mommy was going out for a day without her was another matter entirely.  Finally at 9:30, we were on our way.

We got to Delaware before making a stop, and got the all important "Hi.  We're in Delaware" photo.  Every single time I go to Delaware, all I can think of is Wayne's World when the use the green screen to go to Delaware and it cracks me up.  So I enjoy taking these dopey pictures every time we get there.

After a quick pit stop, we were on our way and debating where to have lunch once we got to the city.  Traffic was heavy but steady, and having been in Philly a couple of weeks before with my buddy Joe for Wizard World, I knew we'd make it before were starving for lunch, so I texted my friend Jason for recommendations before Judy and I both decided we wanted to see if there was someplace in Philly we could get some decent Polish food.

Eventually we found a section of Philly called Little Poland and got there around 1:00.  Unfortunately, not one single restaurant there accepted credit cards, so we had to prowl around and find an ATM, but it was well worth the effort.  We enjoyed a delicious lunch of kielbasa and pierogies at Syrenka Restaurant (there were little mermaids everywhere!) and wandered through the Polish markets and enjoyed the sights and smells of the place.  We talked about our grandmother nad her sister, we read the Polish-American News, it was a wonderful few hours that we killed down there.

Once we were sated, we headed to the Mann Center where the concert was taking place.  I was very nervous about everything going off without a hitch, so we got to the Mann and parked under a big tree where a couple of fans had staked out a spot and were tailgating.  We talked to them a bit and then went up to the ticket office to find out the real deal with everything.  The woman at the counter couldn't have been nicer, confirmed that our tickets were there and even showed them to us but said she couldn't give them to us till 6pm, and then gave us a tip that there was a McDonald's in walking distance if we didn't want to sit around.  So we decided to take a crack at it, even though we were warned we were not exactly in the best part of town.  We made it unscathed and had a cold drink, then headed to a ShopRite in the same shopping plaza to get some tailgating supplies for ourselves before walking back to the Mann.  As we approached, we noticed that the attendants were roughing our neighbors up for money for the parking, so we got back to the car and left, parking on the street, only to discover they were going to shut down the street parking and we had no choice but to either leave the area completely or to pay $20 in cash for parking.  Of which I had $17.  Thus, we were frantically combing the seats of the car for all the change we could rustle up, which was considerable since my daughter hustles me for money when I swear now, and came up with the last little bit of change we needed.  We paid and parked and played a word game called Jotto that we've played for years.

Once 6:00 rolled around, we got out of the car, retrieved our tickets and wristbands, and met up with Marie, a fellow BNL fan we've become friendly with on Facebook.  She has zillions of pictures with the band, goes to lots of concerts every summer, and when I had my car accident a couple of years ago, she sent me cookies in the mail to cheer me up after my new car was totaled.  I was as excited to meet her as I was to meet BNL!  So when we saw her walking up the hill, I was beside myself and gave her a big hug and we chatted for a few minutes before heading our separate ways to go and find our seats.

It was such fun!  As we walked through the amphitheater, a couple of people commented on my shirt!  I had on a shirt from my office and it reads "Superman had foster parents", as we are a foster care agency and our mission is to be champions for children and families.  I got a picture with David Duchovny while I was wearing the shirt and it's now on the intranet at work, so I thought it would be fun to get a picture with BNL with the shirt.  But little did I know how much everyone would love it.  There was one usher at the Mann who was literally yelling "That is such a great shirt!" while laughing and nearly crying.  He just kept saying what a great shirt it was. I hope it makes people think a little anyway.  (David D said, "That's a great point.  I hadn't thought about that."  So I guess it does!)

BNL had 2 opening acts, the first being Howard Jones of Everlasting Love fame.  We had been on the lawn at the Wolf Trap show on Wednesday the 15th, but couldn't see anything, so it was kind of fun to see Howard performing up close and personal.  He has a lot of energy and played for about 45 minutes.  I only know a couple of his songs, but it was really fun to have the sounds of the 80's ringing in my ears anyway and I loved his little keyboard guitar thingy.  But the real star of the set was his synthesizer man.  He was a perfect punk--crazy hair, dark clothes and a perfect look of total and complete disinterest and ennui.  I said to my sister "He probably has some dickhead name like Brantley" but it turned out his name was Robbie, which I told my sister "only makes him more perfect".  She got the most amazing picture of him which sums up his entire vibe perfectly.

I really don't think I could have loved him more.  This is how he looked for the entire set, even when Howard went over and tried rocking it out with him.  It was both hilarious and endearing.  Fan for life, Robbie.  Call me. haha :-D

After Howard was done, it was time for another blast from the past with OMD, who probably most famously sang a song at the end of the movie Pretty In Pink ("If You Leave"). They went on for about 45 minutes as well.  Another electronic music band, which was big in the 80's of course, and I don't mind it so much, but it's definitely not my favorite kind of music.  Still, I've sat through far worse opening acts, and the ladies in front of us were mad fans so we took pictures of them with the band and that was a lot of fun!

Finally at 9:15, it was BNL's turn.  And if they didn't sing "Maybe Katie"... I thought I would die of happiness right on the spot.  I don't think I've ever heard them perform it live before, and if I had to make up a fantasy play list for my own personal BNL concert, that would most certainly be on there.  So to hear them sing it, it just started the night off on the right note for me.  Even as I write this, I'm still smiling just thinking about it.  Thank you, BNL! :-D

There's not much to say about the concert other than it was totally and completely amazing.  We had second row seats, and we were up and dancing most of the night, having a ball.  I could see at one point that Ed was kind of looking at me, but I didn't think much of it, just figuring it was all part of the experience.  The songs were great, the music was amazing, it was just a great night of music.  My sister cried during "Odds Are"--she says she really believes that everyone's going to be OK when Ed sings that song.  It was great.

So when the concert was sadly over, those of us with the pretty pink wristbands gathered to go backstage.  When we got to the area where we were going to meet the band, OMD and Howard Jones were back there doing a little impromptu meet and greet, but we didn't go back there with them, and just waited till the crowd in the Mann died out and everyone got checked for the proper credentials.  We fortunately passed the test, they kicked one girl out, and then BNL came out.  The new M&G procedure is that we got our picture taken with the band as a group, then we kind of stood around and they came through individually to sign autographs and talk, but you couldn't take selfies with the individual band members, which was a bummer, as I REALLY wanted a picture of Judy and Kevin together as the finishing touch on her birthday gift.  But alas, it was not meant to be.

So we got up to the front and the people in front of us asked if we could use their phone to take a picture when it was their turn.  We all swapped phones and I got a picture of them and vice versa.  The professional pictures went up on the website very quickly, though, so it was no big deal.  But it was a nice shared fan experience.

When it was our turn to go up, Ed said, "What's the deal with the shirt?  I saw you from the show!"  So I told him that I worked for a foster care agency and such and he said, "Oh great,  right on!"  which of course only made me love him more.

Then it was time to get back into the line and wait to meet each band member individually.  I got out the boomerang and I was ready for action.  And wasn't our first band member Kevin Hearn!  I was SO excited for my sister, who I don't think managed to say much of anything.  She hadned him the little baseball card they had given us when we arrived and he signed that.  Then  I handed Kevin the boomerang and he said, "Oh, a boomerang" and I said, "Well, actually, you've signed it before." and I flipped it over and showed him the back.  Like an idiot, I continued "I came to another show with my dad and he had you sign the wrong side."  Kevin signed it, handed it back, and said, "A great wrong has been righted in the universe" and walked off.  Hahahaha  It was adorable.

Next up was Ed, I think.  Judy said to him, "So you made it to Philadelphia alright!"  Ed looked kind of confused and she said, "We were at the show Wednesday and heard about your transportation woes."  He said, "I didn't even get to tell Chapter 3!"

So to backtrack to Wednesday, Ed had his son's Grade 8 graduation Wednesday morning, so he went home for that and then was going to fly to DC for the Wolf Trap concert.  His flight was due to leave at 4:30pm, so he figured he had plenty of time to get to DC.  Unfortunately, as the plane was about to take off, a suspicious package was discovered on the plane (it later turned out to be part of the actual plane, but it was a newer plane and the crew wasn't familiar with it) and the flight was delayed by almost 2 hours.  That was Chapter 1.  Then he got to DC, called his driver, waited and waited for the car to arrive, called the guy back, and the guy was on 95, driving away from the airport with another guy named Ed in the backseat!  That was Chapter 2!  Poor Ed, thankfully he made it to Wolf Trap safe and sound though.

So then he starts telling us Chapter 3 while we are there and he signs the other side of the boomerang and Judy's card.  But I kind of like the fact that I know this story and not many other people do, so I don't know if I should publish this on my blog or not. Maybe not, I'll torture you with my top secret BNL story knowledge.

Next up was Jim Creegan, who took the boomerang and proceeded to show us how to throw it, plus gave us some information about the way indigenous peoples hunted with it, and how he used to know how to throw one and what it was for (killing small birds), etc.  He's a very interesting guy and I was glad he was talking so I didn't say something stupid like about how much I enjoy watching him perform, which is definitely true, but I didn't want to sound like an idiot.  Thanks for saving me from myself, Jim!

Finally, Tyler came through and signed the boomerang and even sang "I come on back" as he walked away. Which made me happy.  I didn't have much to say to him either, I was just kind of feeling dazed and happy and awestruck to be in the presence of my favorite band and all.

So that was that.  We saw Marie hanging around in the back and I wanted to say goodbye to her, and then my brain shifted into overdrive.  A few years ago, I read on the blog (I think) of a friend that he was talking with someone who had the chance to meet their idol and totally flubbed it, didn't say what they wanted to say, and they had regretted it ever since.  He then wrote that he was always grateful he had been able to say what he wanted when he met his music idol and he never regretted it for a minute that he took the time to say what was on his mind.  I knew time was short, and if I was going to do it, I needed to go do it.  So I told my sister to wait a minute and I went up to Ed and said, "Excuse me, Ed, can I bother you for one more minute?"  Because as much as I was really happy and excited to have had the Chapter 3 conversation, I really wanted to tell him how much the music meant to me, and how healing it had been especially in the past few years.

I won't go into all the details, but when he said "Sure!" I said, "Can I give you a hug?" and he said "Sure!" So I gave him a hug and then I told him everything I had wanted to tell him in Kingston and didn't, and everything I wanted to tell him that night but hadn't had the chance.  It wasn't eloquent, it wasn't well put together, I was definitely nervous, but I think I got out the right sentiment, because when I was done, he said some nice things and then he said, "I'm grateful you told me!" and then HE gave ME a hug!

I was dying of joy.  Honestly. I could have floated home.  I kept poking my sister in the car, like a I needed some physical reassurance that the whole thing was real.  And when I woke up later that morning (I didn't get home till almost 4AM), I was so happy I had done it, I knew it was the right thing for me to have done!

So that was it, we got back in the car and drove home, ran out of gas at 2AM in Tysons Corner, but thankfully found a Shell station right off the highway and got some gas and were back on the road in no time.

Happy birthday to my beautiful sister and friend, Judy.  I'm glad we got to share this magical night together.  I love you!

An Open Letter to the Stanford Survivor

Dear Miss...

I've been reading about you.  I've been reading what you said.  I've been reading the court documents, the statements from various people, all the letters and blogs and news articles.  And I thought I'd add my two cents, not out of any desire to add to your pain, nor any conviction that anything I might say would prove in any way cathartic or helpful to the conversation, but I wanted you to know, if someday, somehow, you stumble upon this blog, that you are not alone.

I, like many others, am the survivor of a sexual assault while I was a college student.  It was my freshman year.  I will never forget it.  It was in December 1993 in Manhattan.  In public.  In the street.  It was freezing.  I was dressed like an eskimo.  And I was stone cold sober.  And still, it happened.  My attacker was never convicted.  He was never charged.  He was never caught.  He was never reported.  Instead, I went back to my dorm, took a shower, tried to get warm, and crawled into bed.  As soon as I did, I could still feel his hands all over me.  Touching me, violating my body.  I could see his face as clearly as if I had his picture in front of me.  I called my mother.  My family came down.  I told them what happened.  I was embarrassed.  I was told, "It doesn't sound like it was any big deal.  You were probably just scared."  Stop being dramatic.  Get on with it.

I did, eventually, get on with it.  I didn't go to counseling, even when, two years later, a member of the religious at the college I attended kissed and groped me out of the blue, leering at me, defying me to report him.  I kicked him out and told him he was no longer a 'friend'.  We never spoke again, but I heard from several other women in the dorm that he had done the same thing to them, and to others they knew.  As far as I know, nothing was done about him.  I feel a deep sense of shame and guilt that I didn't do more, I didn't do anything. I was afraid that I had overreacted, that I imagined the uncomfortableness of the feelings, that I had been too friendly, that I had in some way suggested it was ok with me that he do that.  He's a teacher now.  I wonder if he can be trusted with the kids. 

When all this dies down, you will be able to find out what normal feels like for the new you.  But you have been profoundly impacted by what has happened to you and you may find that strange things can no longer be a part of your life.

I can no longer attend street festivals.  I can't stand crowds.  I can't handle people being behind me, pressed up against me, touching me from behind.  My daughter may be the only child in our town to never attend the Christmas parade--I sheepishly explain to those who ask "Why not?" that "I just don't like crowds" without the full explanation why.  When I'm in line at the grocery store, I keep a grocery cart between me and the person behind me.  I don't want strangers close.  I'm not worried about my PIN or credit card number--I'm worried about my personal space, my body being violated.

I gained weight.  I wanted to be invisible.  Undesirable.  Unnoticed.  Even scorned was fine if it kept people away.   I dress in shapeless, shiftless clothes.  I don't wear make up, don't do my hair.  I developed trichotillomania.  I tense up whenever I pass people on the street, I don't go out at night alone, even though that had nothing to do with the circumstances of my assault.  Thankfully there have been and continue to be people who find me and love me and accept me.  But I'm always on guard. Trust no one.  He could be anywhere. 

My life since December 1993 has been nothing short of extraordinary, and ordinary, and regular, and hard and normal and wonderful and awful.  And yours can and will be too.  In time. I met and married a wonderful man, although allowing for intimacy in any way, shape, or form is still challenging for me.  I am friendly, but not too friendly.  I don't flirt.   

I have a daughter of my own.  I fear for her for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she is female.  What do I need to teach her?  When?  Why should I have to teach her those things at all?  Should she know my story?  Will she ever find this blog and learn about it or is it better to tell her myself?

And yet, I am not ashamed.  I am even proud of myself.  I've come a long way. 

Perhaps people will want to make you into the poster child for sexual assault survival.  Perhaps you will give people strength to face their own attackers.  Perhaps, like me, you will try to pretend it never happened to the people who enter your life "after".  Perhaps your feelings will be a jumble, and you'll try to fix it and nothing will ever seem right again.  Perhaps getting through your minutes and hours and days will be all you can manage.  Perhaps that "someday" when you feel alright seems like it will never come.  Perhaps the injustice of the situation, the intense scrutiny the attack, the attacker, and you are under will be too much.

I hope not.

I hope, instead, that you will find peace in your journey, kindness in every person you meet from here on, compassion from those who have and have not walked a similar path.  I hope you have the courage and fortitude to move forward from that point, that incident, in ways that make sense to you.  Forget the rest of the world.  Don't be a victim, be a survivor. And if it takes you a while to get there, know that there are lots of us watching you on from down the road, and cheering your every step, understanding how hard it is and hoping you never give up.

Sincerely,
A Survivor Too