It's been quite some time since I've posted here, but I've recently had some experiences that have really pissed me off and I need a place to vent. So anyone who might still be checking in on this blog periodically is in for a treat? Or at least a surprise.
Earlier this year, my daughter's birthmother called me. She was involved in a serious car accident, and had been transported to the hospital, where it was determined she was pregnant. We talked a bit about how surprised she was to get the news and how her mom really wanted her to keep the baby but she was scared and not sure what to do. I told her she had plenty of time to figure out what she wanted and that she didn't need to feel pressure for anyone--she should do exactly what was right for her and for her baby. A month or two later, we talked again by Facebook and she told me she had decided to keep the baby. I was totally thrilled for her. Her baby, her first son, was born yesterday. From his pictures, he is the cutest, sweetest little newborn--as they all are--and I am just thrilled for her, and for her whole family.
But there is a sadness too. Not because I wanted to adopt her baby. I assuredly did not--although I love babies, the years between 2 and 5 are not kind and I never want to go through them again. I am a happy member of the "One and Done" Club. I was sad because when I chose some people to share my excitement with at the fact that Leah was going to have a half brother, the reaction I got was either, "Oh, really? How many does this make?" or "Hasn't she figured out where they come from yet?"
For the record, and I suppose not that this is anyone's business, this is Leah's birthmother's 3rd child in 7 years. She kept custody of her daughter, who is now 7 and will be 8 in January, my late husband and I adopted Leah who is 5 and will be 6 in April, and now she has a new baby. She suffered a miscarriage 4 years ago. Comparatively, in 4 years, my sister had 3 children, two only 15 months apart. I know at least 2 other women who have had 3 or more children in less than 5 years. But somehow, my daughter's adoption seems to give people the feeling that they are entitled to suggest that her birthmother is a bad parent, lacks birth control, sleeps around, makes bad decisions, and gets pregnant a lot. The fact that my daughter's birthmother is poor, African-American, and lives in a dangerous city apparently also gives people the right to judge.
This, to me, points to a fundamental misunderstanding of birthparents. Birthparents are almost always trying to make a good decision come out of a mistake, accident, tragedy, or some other misfortune. They are making the choice to give up their child because they genuinely believe that some other person out there, typically a stranger, will be better equipped to provide the life they want their child to have. They do so knowing they might never see their child again, they will miss their child's milestones, and that there will always be a gaping hole in their heart that can never be filled, arms that will feel empty and useless, and often feelings of guilt over being unable to care for a child they might otherwise desperately want, as well as shame at being unable to do so and how they might be treated by friends and family members, and regret over a decision they cannot take back once it is legally processed.
The decision to place a child for adoption is one which requires maturity and is deeply and intensely responsible. I once said to Leah's birthmother something about not wanting this child, and she quietly said, "I want her, but I know I can't take care of her."
I feel incredibly fortunate that we have an open adoption with Leah's birthmother. When Leah has had questions in the past, all I have to do is pick up the phone and ask if we can come visit, and before you know it, we are in Baltimore, hugging, doing hair, enjoying a meal, playing with our half sister. Leah's birth grandmother is there, sometimes her aunt, pictures and tears are flying, laughter fills the air, and we all rejoice in the special bond that we have created as an extended family. Does this sound irresponsible, unloving, uncaring?
I wanted to be a mother in the worst possible way, and this woman found the strength in her heart to put a child, her child, in my arms and walk away. Her brave actions have given me nearly 6 years of the best years of my life. And this woman has never asked for anything in return--has never asked us to come visit, never asked for pictures, has always gratefully and humbly accepted whatever I was able to provide. I rejoice with her in the birth of her son, in the fact that she is back on her feet and able to care for her baby and her older daughter, that it was never a question of being able to care for this infant, and that it has never been an issue of wondering whether she loved or cared about Leah either. I have never, ever, ever had a doubt in my mind that her decision to place Leah for adoption was one of intense love and responsibility. And she loves me too. She cares for me too. When my husband died, she was one of the first people to call and cry with me and talk with me about our memories together. She knows what it's like to be a single mom and gives me encouragement and advice not from an academic or philosophical viewpoint, but from the vantage of someone who has been there and done it for years.
So the next time you are quick to judge a birthparent for their decision to have more children after giving up one child for adoption, or to be sexually active, or make their own reproductive health choices, remember that they have already shown themselves to be entirely responsible and loving individuals who will do whatever it takes to give their children the best possible life. Birthparents are allowed to move forward with their lives, to have other children, to be happy, to regain love and joy and family.
And if you have negative opinions about my daughter's birthmother, kindly keep them to yourself. I think she's wonderful and will defend her to the end. If you can't be kind, be quiet.
