Frozen Out

A friend recently posted an article on Facebook about why young people today find it easier to just quit talking to their parents than trying to mend fences or communicate about the issues they are facing and try to work through them.  I believe it cuts both ways, parents also often just cut off their children, but also I have noticed that friends do this, and siblings, and pretty much everyone.  We have a disagreement, and suddenly, the friendship is gone.

I am certainly not innocent--generally when I get upset with someone, I just sort of let the relationship slide and don't make a big deal out of it either way.  This is because I really hate confrontation and I really hate arguing with people.  As painful as it is, though, I'm starting to believe it's better to say to the other person, "You did X, I felt Y, let's see how we can make it better."

This is on my mind because today, I took my daughter to King's Dominion, and while we were there, we passed a woman I knew 6 or 7 years ago.  We had a mutual friend with whom we spent a lot of time together, because our children were all the same age, although this woman and I were not friends, and truth be told, I thought her kids were annoying little brats.  I felt similarly about their mother.  But Leah was not even a year old, and I had recently become a stay at home mom, and a woman from a local bulletin board had reached out to me, and I had started hanging out with her and her friends.  Long story short, we had a disagreement, she rounded up her posse of women, and all 4 of them quit talking to me, including this woman from KD today.  Bang.  Without warning.  I found myself friendless and alone, and really without any support for some months until I happened upon a small book club wherein I met 3 of the most amazing women, all of whom I am proud to call my friends to this day.

Estrangement Scenario 2: A year ago, I went to wish someone I'd considered one of my best friends a happy birthday via Facebook, only to discover I'd been unfriended.  I sent a Happy Birthday text, which she replied to, but when I sent another text inquiring about the fact we weren't friends anymore, or at least not by FB standards, I was met with silence.  Not only was this difficult for me, it was really hard on my daughter, who loved her like an aunt and who has a great number of issues surrounding the people she loves suddenly disappearing from her life--as you might imaging given our history.

And finally, Estrangement Scenario 3.  This year, someone I was very close to and spent a lot of time with suddenly quit talking with me without notice.  Several people were asking me about this friend, and I had to admit I was as confused as anyone about what was happening.  After some weeks, I finally sent a message and at least received a few messages back pertaining to the nature of the disagreement that existed between us--one I honestly didn't even know about.  I apologized, but it has been met with several weeks of more silence, so I have to conclude that friendship is over in my life.

I don't know if I am perhaps the type of individual who simply it is easier to walk away from than to deal with.I think I am quite even tempered, I consider myself open to communication about things, and I am quick to apologize and accept responsibility if I've made a mistake.  I don't even tend to defend myself if I feel I've been wrongly accused--I, like my daughter, am too afraid to lose people.

Yet lose people I do.

And judging by a Google search, I am not alone.  According to an article in the Telegraph from the UK, 27% of adults are estranged from a loved one.  I have been talking at length with a co-worker whose daughter recently cut her off at Christmas.  I have friends who are estranged from aunts, cousins, siblings.  Within my family there are networks of estrangements based on years-old grudges or misunderstandings.

I take it hard.  I don't mean to.  I'd like to be one of those people who lets it roll off their back.  Part of the problem is that it takes me forever to figure out who I want to be friends with, then to trust that individual beyond a surface level and determine if I should let them in to our lives, they don't always reciprocate, and then it takes months and sometimes years to get to a point where I feel we are really the kind of friend that goes beyond surface level friendship.  I have tons of surface-level friends and acquaintances, but far fewer deep and abiding friendships with people I hope I never lose.  Of the three scenarios above, the last two fall into the latter category.

What I find hard to live with in the aftermath of these spectacular failures are the following:

1.  Not knowing what I did.  In the second scenario, I have no idea why we aren't friends any more.  I think I would sleep better knowing, but I just have to live with the idea that I don't.

2.  Knowing, trying to make the situation better, but accepting the failure  that comes when the person doesn't extend forgiveness or entertain the prospect of things being better or normal.  In the first and third scenario above, I apologized and yet wasn't extended forgiveness.  I also didn't happen to think I was wrong in either scenario.  My life moved forward without the individuals from scenario 1, but I'm continuing to deal with the aftermath of the collapse of the relationship in scenario 3.

3.  What other people might think.  In all of these scenarios, there were other people tangentially involved whose good opinion I would care to keep, whose friendships and acquaintances I would like to maintain.  Yet the devastation I feel after this happens generally leads me to completely give up on whatever it was that drew us together.  I avoid going to places where I'm likely to run into these individuals (hence why I haven't shopped in the SuperTarget in Massaponnax in years, for instance) or to people who know them.  I refuse to speak ill of the people who I am no longer friends with, but are they extending the same courtesy to me?  Communities are small, gossip is hot, people aren't blind to situations changing.  For my part, I try to only say that I don't know or think of something positive to say, as I figure the truth will always come out and engaging in gossip or slander only makes me look bad.  Besides, when I'm only guessing the causes of what has happened, is there any point going into it with people?

4.  Trusting again.  Once one of these bonds which took so long to form breaks, I generally find it very difficult to trust other people I may meet down the line.  What if the whole thing blows up?  What if they disappoint me?  What if I disappoint them? 

Ultimately, I am going to try to continue to let people in. I will continue to seek out people I think will be good friends and I will be a good friend to them.  I will draw my inner circle in tighter.  And I will wish only peace, love, light, and all good things to those who have let go.  I very much doubt I'll be able to trust and let them back in, but I'll let them go without anger or hatred, only gratitude for the time we walked our journeys together.