2013 Round Up

New Year's Eve and in the great tradition of many of my friends, I'm sitting here considering life in the past year and looking ahead to life in the new year.  There are huge chunks of time this year that I honestly can't remember.  I'll do a quick sort of monthly thing and then a few key moments and then a look ahead.


January:  I remember that we did the 3 Kings dinner in January.  We had over 40 people crammed into the house, something like 13 of  whom were children under 10.  It was getting convoluted.  We had extra people involved this year--my mom was here and helped with cooking, a few friends came to arrange tables and set them and decorate.  I really felt out of it.  I made the resolution not to sit in the kitchen this year--somehow every year I wind up sitting at the end of the table that juts into the kitchen and I miss visiting with everyone.  But sure enough, I was in the kitchen again this year.  But I like the kitchen people.  So it was all good.

Leah and Cinderella

I don't remember anything else until the end of the month when I took Leah to DisneyWorld for a week.  We stopped off en route at our friends Russell and Amy's house, where Amy and I had a tea party and watched Downton Abbey (Lady Sybill died and I was distraught--her death brought up some unwelcome memories for me.)  We spent 4 days in the parks, one each at Animal Kingdom (meh) and EPCOT and two at The Magic Kingdom.  The big thrills for Leah were swimming in the pool at the resort and meeting the princesses.  Her favorite ride was The Haunted Mansion, and I will never, ever as long as I live forget her dragging me onto the goddamned Astro Orbiter, where I cried, screamed, and cursed.  I must have put on quite a show because I got a smattering of applause when I got off the thing, and I will never set foot on it again.  Leah also enjoyed the boat ride at The Land in EPCOT. We packed lots of PB&J and the resort sent her a Rapunzel doll and balloons as their special guest, which I thought was pretty stinking awesome.

I'm pretty sure we might also have gone to my dad's because we usually do, but I don't honestly remember if we did or not.  I feel like I covered NY to Florida in January, but I can't say for sure.  Also, I started back to library school after a semester off.  I took a research methods class and a school library administration class that required me to do volunteer hours every week in a school library.  It was a good experience but I'm pretty sure I won't be a school librarian, so I changed to an archives track as a result.

February:  Can't remember anything.

March:  Can't remember anything other than that I did send an email to my friend Kyle with whom I hadn't spoken in 10 years and he wrote back sometime in March. Oh, I also started a job babysitting my friend Amber's son, Michael.  Poor kid was dubbed "That Baby" by Leah, and we still call him "That Baby".  As in, "That Baby took my toy." or "That Baby is eating your shoe."  It was a tough adjustment.  And we started attending the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Fredericksburg.  I have long looked for a spiritual community, or really any community to belong to and it has been a real Godsend to me.  I've been taken in by a few of the older ladies in the church and recently did some volunteer work at a local soup kitchen, plus will be joining the choir in the new year and possibly the social action committee if time permits. 

Winston Theodore

April:  My nephew Winston was born on April 3.  We were getting nervous because Leah's an early April birthday girl, and I didn't want her to have to share her birthday.  Mercifully Winston popped out 5 days ahead of time.  He was a big baby, well over 9 pounds, and jowly.  He was supposed to be named Theodore, but we looked at him and I made a joke with my sister or she made a joke with me that he looked like Winston Churchill and that was the end of that.  His name was changed.  Of course, the Anglophile in me was thrilled.  Looking at this picture, it's hard to see the Winston there is now in that little newborn.

Leah and her party guests

Leah turned 4 in April.  We had a birthday party for her at the local bounce house park thingy with a bunch of her friends from school and the neighborhood.  She had a great time.  Mike missing that milestone was a punch in the gut.  I had reasoned with myself that he could miss my birthday, miss Christmas, miss his own birthday, but he would never miss Leah's birthday.  When he did, it was difficult. 

Additionally difficult was facing our wedding anniversary without him for the first time.  I was very fortunate that a friend was willing to take Leah for the weekend and I treated myself to a spa weekend.  A facial and hot stone massage, plus lots of bookstore time and dinner with a friend.  And I slept a lot.  But I suspect that could be said for much of 2013.

At the Texas History Museum

In April we also took our first trip to Texas to visit my aunt and uncle and to attend my friend Nancy's wedding.  We went to Austin and San Antonio and the Texas highlands to see the wildflowers.  Austin is a pretty awesome city and we had a great time.  It was nice to spend a week with my aunt and uncle and to see my cousin, whom I have not seen in probably 11 years. 

Nancy's wedding was beautiful and a whole lot of fun.  Leah ripped up the dance floor, as I suspected she would.  That kid has rhythm in her body I've only ever dreamed of.  Amazing.  She literally can't help herself when she hears music playing.

May:  In May we went down to Atlanta to see our friends Mike and Lesley.  We had planned the trip in advance, but it turned out that we flew down the day Lesley took the oath of citizenship, so it was fun to celebrate.  I'm happy Atlanta has another correct minded citizen in the voting booth, although she'll always be a bit Canadian to me.

Leah finished her first year of pre-school.  It was impossible to believe that the kid I sent there on a wing and a prayer turned into a very self-assured and confident and far more independent little being.  I was very grateful to her teachers and the church for giving her the year they did and it was a great blessing to me that I had a few mornings each week to try and do some things for myself.

Me, Franc, and Leah atop a mountain in Quito

June:  June was our first big expedition out of the country.  We spent 2 weeks in Ecuador, Colombia, and El Salvador.  We went to stay with a former exchange student my family had hosted in the 90's.  The first 5 or 6 days went fine, and then it was pretty clear after that that they were over us being there, and it was downhill from there.  I was extremely happy to go, Ecuador has some of the most amazing geography and landscape I have ever seen, in Colombia we saw the most incredible church I'd ever been to, we got treated very well by the medical community when Leah got sick, but I was happy to come home.  It was devastating on a personal level--I've lost my brother who I loved very much, but the wheels came off somehow and it just never was right.  So I just have to chalk that one up to experience.  One of the things I was most excited about was that I finally got to see the Pacific Ocean.  We stayed at a lovely resort in Mompiche and Leah and I spent about as much time on the beach as was humanly possible.  The only real downside was that my camera card bit the dust and I lost the first week's worth of pictures, which was a total downer.

On the way back, we had a huge layover in El Salvador and I booked us a tour.  San Salvador was an unexpected treat.  We had the most wonderful tour guide who took us around the city and I was blown away by the friendliness of El Salvadoreans, how lovely their country is, how good the food is, and the churches were amazing.  I was exhausted--our plane left Ecuador at 5AM so we were at the airport at 3AM, but it was a wonderful experience to go and see the country.  Pupusas forever! :D

El Salvador's equivalent of the White House

Kyle and I sitting at Al Capone's table at the Green Mill

July:  I spent 4 days in early July in Chicago visiting Kyle.  I was super nervous at first, and thought about just getting back on the next plane to DC and forgetting the whole thing, but I'm glad I didn't.  Those 10 years really dissolved and I had a wonderful time talking and listening and catching up and getting to see Chicago, which is one damned incredible city.  We watched Andy Murray win Wimbledon, we watched the Cubs win at Wrigley, we went to Al Capone's speakeasy, we went to the Art Institute and saw American Gothic and the Thorne Rooms, we ate the most glorious pie in the world at the Bang Bang Pie Shop, saw an 80's tribute hair band, went to Second City and most importantly, we saw Barenaked Ladies in concert.  I've been on a theatrical and musical tear this year (saw Les Mis twice and Mary Poppins), and the BNL concert was the impetus for my trip.  I last saw them when they came to Fredericksburg in 2011, and I just loved them all over again.  The closest I thought they were coming to DC was either Virginia Beach or Columbia MD, although it turned out I was wrong about that.  So going to Chicago to see them was just so fun.  The only bad thing about the trip was that I had forgone wearing my Crocs and my feet were in effing agony by the end of 4 days of pavement pounding.  When I got home, I didn't walk for a couple of days.  I had blisters the size of silver dollars.  YOUCH!  But I bid Chicago and Kyle farewell with the expectation that we would be together again given that during our Second City visit, we found out Dave Foley was coming in September and we made a pact to go.

I got back and just a few days later was July 12, the first anniversary of Mike's death.  I planned a memorial to commemorate him and the day and had only a few people show up, but we traded memories and stories and sent off balloons.  It was a nice evening.  Very poignant and sad, and brought up a lot of difficult thoughts about what had happened on that night.  But it is good to remember.  There was a time that night played over and over and over in my mind like a movie and I thought I would go mad if I had to see it again.  I'm grateful that the images have blurred softly a bit, it's a mercy.  but I'm also glad I wrote everything down at the suggestion of my counselor so that I don't have to forget all that happened and everything I did and sometimes I read it and it brings me some measure of peace to know that I did what I could.

"I hate you, Pat Monahan, your black t shirt is freaky"

At the end of July, we drove down to Charlotte NC to see Train, my second favorite band of all time, as well as finally catch up with the Little family, whom we had not seen in far too long.  I had gotten the VIP package and we were going to go backstage to meet Train.  The whole thing was pretty disorganized--I'm not sure if it was the venue that didn't have it together, if it was LiveNation, but it was a hot mess.  No one knew where exactly we were supposed to go, when we were supposed to meet up, etc. etc.  I was glad I called and went over to the amphitheater early because I had never gotten the email telling me when to show up for the backstage thing.  When we finally got where we were going, we were not listed on the VIP list, and so I gave the guy our tickets and he said, "Yes, you bought the right tickets, you're just not on my list."  So he let us backstage anyway.  And then when it was our turn to meet the band, Leah freaked out and climbed right up me and held on in terror (turns out she was afraid of Pat Monahan because he was wearing a black T-shirt).  The band tried to talk gently to her, and I tried to calm her down, but she was having none of it, so that was money out the window, I didn't even get to talk to the band.  ARGH!  Anyway, they invited Leah to come onstage since she was dressed as a mermaid, so we got a ticket to do that, and then the people in charge let me take her onstage, so not only did I go backstage, I actually went ONSTAGE.  That was quite a rush, let me tell you.  They turned the house lights on and you are surrounded by 15,000 screaming people, WOW.  Amazing.  It was a great night, even if my kid did totally lose it.  Seeing Lara and Brian was great and I couldn't get over how big Emma is getting--she's such a young lady now... Leah was alternately terrified and enthralled.

Flying kites at Breton Point

August:  We took our usual swing north to visit family.  We went to stay with my in laws for a few days and saw the Kosior family, which was lovely as usual.  I took Leah into Newport to see where Mike and I had gone to fly kites, where we always ate lunch, we walked the CliffWalk some, scampered around the rocks at Breton point.  As hard as it is to go to Breton Point, I did feel some measure of peace there.  Mike and I went there on our first date, we went many times thereafter, and I do associate it strongly with him and our history.  So it hurt and healed to bring Leah.  Every time I would get her kite in the air, she would bring the damned thing down.  Over and over and over again.  But she had a lot of fun.

Going to my dad's was good too.  He had entertained my sister and her family for a few days before we got there, so he was kind of over and done with having company by the time we arrived and I thought maybe we should go home early, but he insisted we stay.  We visited friends, took the cats to the vet, nothing to scream about but it is always nice to get home.
 

September:  Leah started 5 day preschool at St. George's.  I started back to library school.  I took a management class and a second level archives class.  Shit tons of work.  Exhausting.  Lost much hair and sleep over both classes.  Glad they are over.

Beautiful view of a wonderful city

I went back to Chicago in September to see Dave Foley at Second City with Kyle.  This was a weekend trip--Friday to Sunday.  Friday we went to a music festival where we saw Neko Case, whom I had never heard of but apparently every single one of my friends loves her and I thought she was great.  The highlight for me was Trampled by Turtles.  I thought they were super fun.  After that, we went to see Dave Foley.  All the reviews I read of his stand up act said he was a bitter drunk who bitches about his wife for 90 minutes.  That more or less held true.  Saturday morning we went to the Renegade Craft Festival which was way fun, and then we went to see them film T4--lots of cars and trucks racing down the street.  Wheee!  We have vowed to go see the movie together when it comes out.  I bet the footage we saw will wind up on the cutting room floor, but hopefully not.  We walked the Magnificent Mile and went to the top of the Hancock Tower, which as I've mentioned in previous posts is something of an obsession for me.  We saw the film Good Burger at the Logan Theater, which is one of the most fun things I've ever done.  I thought Kyle was a bit nuts when he suggested it, but it was so great.  Made me miss the 90s.  And ended the trip on Sunday morning with pie at my favorite pie shop--this time I had coconut cream that was TO. DIE. FOR.

October: I think it was in October I signed the final paperwork for my approved refi of my house.  And agreed to start paying for it.

My beach girl

We spent a week in Myrtle Beach, and my mother joined us.  The weather was still good and we spent lots of time riding waves, swimming, building sand castles.  Leah and I went up in the Myrtle Beach Skywheel.  We went and saw the Pirates dinner theater at Dolly Parton's place.  We took a dolphin cruise, played mini golf.  It was just a gorgeous week.  Again, it was littered with memories of Mike--that was our place to go and I think he and I went 7 times over the course of our relationship.  I had been dreading going without him, but it was so healing to go and enjoy the time and share stories and memories with Leah and make new memories with her. I'm so glad she's a beachy kind of gal like her mom.  That's going to make life easier in the future!

My Caliber was slowly dying and so I got a new car in October.  I went to Honda and had a hateful experience there--the manager was unwilling to make any sort of deal at all.  It was a shame, as I did fall in love with the Honda CRV and I really wanted it--the back up camera was mind-blowing.  But they didn't want to take an offer and even when I offered them a bit more later on, they were still unwilling to budge.  Their opinion was that I should either pay more, buy less of a car, or buy a used car.  So I said "Up yours, Honda".  And later on at one of the widows groups I attend, I spoke to another woman who was having to buy a car, and sure enough, she also went to Pohanka Honda and got dumped on.  I guess POHANKA HONDA HATES WIDOWS.  She was disappointed not to be able to buy a car there either, since she found a car she really liked, but again, the manager didn't want to give her the time of day, so she left.  My brother-in-law came down the following weekend and we went to Fredericksburg Kia.  I kind of fell in love a little bit with the salesman, a grandfatherly type, and he could have sold me just about anything.  I thought I wanted a Sportage, but instead I test drove a Kia Soul and I fell instantly in love with it.  So I bought it.  Cherry Red.  Her name is Christine.  I put a few odds and ends on the back and indulged in vanity plates.  So you'll know it's us when you see us coming:

MST3K, England, Books, and Me and My Girl.

And I have to say, I have no regrets about buying her.  I absolutely love this car.  She is fun and sporty and cute.  I gave my old car to my brother-in-law to help with his commute, but I think I gave him a lemon.  The alternator died, he's had a flat tire, two batteries, and apparently there have been dire warnings about the check engine light. I guess I unloaded it just in time.

Me before I went into The Strand

November:  I found out BNL was coming to DC so I went and saw them a second time.  They were just as awesome as they were in Chicago.  They sang some different songs, including "Sound of Your Voice", which is one of my top 5 of their songs and their live version is absolutely incredible, so I was THRILLED when they sang that one.  Most of November was filled with schoolwork.  My dad came for Thanksgiving.  We did our usual Alexandria Black Friday thing.  I started learning to sew.  I wrote my first literature review.  I cut my own hair.  I went to NYC and visited the Strand bookstore and the Empire State Building and saw Pippin.  It was pretty incredible.

I also took Leah to see the Fresh Beat Band in Fairfax.  We have kept in contact with Tommy Hobson from the band since we met them in September 2012 and when they announced they'd be doing another tour, I got us tickets and backstage passes.  I got in touch with Tommy and he offered to get us tickets, which was way nice of him, but I told him we were set.  I spent the morning of the concert making up little gifts for the band--they were so sweet when we met them last time and Tommy has been extremely supportive and sent Leah a little care package, so it was great.  I got them each a gift card and wrote each one a note, and then Leah gave them to them after the show.  We had a wonderful reunion--a zillion more hugs for me and Leah, lots of pictures, lots of updates, lots of questions.  They are genuinely four of the most awesome people I've ever met.  Kind, warm, and genuine.  I will be a fan for life.  I got a picture of them with Leah but then they felt I should get in the picture too, so I did.  And I love the resulting photograph.

Me, Leah, and the FBB: 4 nicest people you ever will meet

December:  The holidays and finishing school took up much of my time.  Leah has been home the vast majority of the time, as they had 2 stupid snow days for rain, and then she has 2 weeks off for Christmas vacation.  It has been difficult keeping her occupied.  She participated in our church Christmas pageant.  I participated in SRCS's annual Christmas concert, which was one of the most fun concerts I've sung in. I let Leah take the lead in our Christmas this year and it was a great deal of fun.  The most frustrating thing for me was going to see ICE! At the Gaylord National and spending 90 minutes to get there and 2 hours to get home, when we were at the display for only about 20 minutes.  Grrr. 

I had some difficult family issues which resulted in my being alone for Christmas for the first time.  This led to poor decision making on Christmas Eve, when I had an adult beverage.  I was bored, I was overly prepared for Christmas, and there was just nothing to do.  But I guess no serious harm was done.  Christmas morning was fun.  Leah came in to my room and wanted to know where Santa was--we had been tracking him on NORAD on Christmas Eve.  So we looked and found out he was in Hawaii.  She asked me if that meant he had been to our house yet, and I said she should go look.  She ran downstairs and saw her presents and yelled, "But Mama!  All I asked for was a tea set!"  I thought that was so hilarious.  She was really pleased with her new treasures and has had a great deal of fun playing with everything, including the new tea set, but maybe not as much fun picking up after herself.  Afterwards, I was fortunate that my friend Amber's family invited me to spend Christmas with them, and I really enjoyed it.  In many ways it was like being back home in New York.  The highlight was that Amber's Aunt Joyce bought me a pooping Santa as a gift.  I find that so hilarious.  He poops red and green candy.  Leah had a great time with it, and I feel like I'll treasure it for a lifetime!

Cuckoo in the front (more white) and Dodo in the back

The big operation involved our cats.  Sometime this fall, and I can't remember exactly when, we adopted two kittens, Cuckoo and Dodo.  I was determined that they would be indoor cats.  Following the spectacular failure of Violet and Nubsy, which resulted in them both being rehomed, I wanted two kittens who would get along and who would be good with Leah.  I struck gold with these girls.  They are beautiful, they get along great, they are very affectionate and they are great with Leah.  I love these cats.  December 21, we had a great day here in F'burg, it was sunny and 70 degrees and it was heaven.  I celebrated by sparking up the grill for dinner.  Well, it came around to dinner and for once, I didn't have cats swarming all over me and I thought, "That's odd!"  Then I realized that they probably got out while I had the door open.  I opened the back door up and Dodo shot in like a rocket.  I looked around in the shrubs for Cuckoo and there she was, being chased by a big, black SOB of a cat and she went up and over our fence and that was that.  Le Sigh.  I tried and tried to find her and get her back, but she was freaked out and gone and it was late.  For 4 days there was no sign of her.  On Christmas night, Leah was in bed, I had a fire going in the fireplace, and I heard a meow, and there she was at the backdoor.  I opened the door and she took off, she was scared.  So this touched off a 4 day cathunt.  We put fliers all over the neighborhood, registered her with the county and SPCA, the works.  And every night she would come back and every night if I went near the door, she would run away.  Finally I built a bunker on the floor of my dining room.  I did a live update feed on my Facebook each night, and it was so fun to hang out with my friends and see how excited they were getting and how excited I was getting.  The first night, I fell asleep and there was no sign of her and so I gave up.  But Sunday night, I was feeling lucky.  I hunkered down and waited, and sure enough, she showed up.  She ate a bit of tuna fish I had smeared into the patio under a homemade trap, sniffed around inside, and then allowed herself to come in.  I shut the door quick behind her, and of course she made it seem as if she had never left.  Grrr.  Stupid cat.  I took her to the vet today and she is of course fine, but is going on pre-emptory antibiotics and I'm having her spayed and microchipped in January.  God forbid she is pregnant, this will be the kitty equivalent of an abortion, but the vet was cool with it, and so am I.

Amazing cast of MST3K

Last night I went with my friends Cindy and Kris to see the last ever Cinematic Titanic live show.  Cinematic Titanic is an offshoot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the TV show.  Instead of watching them on TV, you watch them riff the movie live on stage.  I've seen the live show twice in DC, always with my buddy Joe as our "we've been friends X number of years" date night, but my sister had never been.  So I bought 4 tickets, hoping to go with Joe, Judy, and I invited Kyle to come from Chicago.  My sister waffled on getting childcare to go, so I knew after a little bit that she absolutely was not going to go.  And Joe moved to Chicago.  I was facing going alone, and I just didn't feel confident about it--alone at night in a city I didn't know.  So I posted an appeal on Facebook--free tickets, free ride, free tolls in exchange for gas money, and Cindy and Kris said they would go with me.  We left Springfield around 2:15 and did pretty well as soon as we got past Baltimore.  I got a new GPS since my old one died and it took us right to the theater.  There was a Greek restaurant right there and we had a nice dinner which the ladies paid for, and then went to the show.  They did a meet and greet after the show, which the theater management totally effed up.  As a crowd, we all formed lines very nicely, but they didn't like the way the lines were and decided to 'reorganize.'  I was in the second line, but when they reorganized us, our section got sent behind 400 people who were nowhere near the front of the line.  I was like "Eff this" and I moved Cindy and Kris towards the end of the first line.  People were kind enough or just felt they didn't have a choice but to let us in, and we didn't have to get all the way in the back of the line, which probably would have lasted a couple of hours, and given that we had a 3 hour ride home, I wans't willing to do that.  So it worked out because I am pushy. I shook hands with each member of the cast, congratulated them on "retirement" and thanked them for the wonderful years of memories.  I got autographs on several different items, and that was pretty great too.  I got home at 4:30 this morning and for some reason I woke up at 9AM and couldn't go back to sleep.  I putzed around for a couple of hours before retrieving Leah and then she and I spent the day taking the cat to the vet, playing video games, working on crafts, yadda yadda.

So you've heard me talk about my two year bucket list.  I feel I should update where I am on that.

Of course I made a little album to put pictures and mementos in as I accomplish things.

Here is the list in order of how they appear and with notations to indicate what I have done and what I have left (supposed to be done by July 12, 2014):

1. Take Leah to meet Rapunzel - accomplished January 2013
2. Leave the country - accomplished June 2013
3. Reconnect with an old friend - accomplished March 2013
4. Meet the Band - accomplished July 2013, November 2013, and January 2014 (will go backstage to meet BNL!!!!!  SQUEEEEE!)
5. Get a haircut - accomplished July 2013
6. Enter a contest - accomplished July 2013, August 2013 with entries in the Fredericksburg Fair and Virginia State Fair
7. Go to England - TBA
8. Learn to Sew - accomplished November 2013
9. Make someone's life better - donated blood at some point this year, which counts, and have an appointment to donate again in January!  Also worked at and made food for the local soup kitchen, December 2013.  Some of my friends have also told me I've been an inspiration to them, which I really appreciated hearing and knowing, even if I don't think I'm all that inspiring.
10. Read for Fun Again - managed to read 11 books this year and started an Anglophiles book club to aid in this endeavor, which has been just great.
11. Bake a Cake from Scratch - TBA
12. Attend a Film Festival - TBA
13. See My Family - Accomplished April 2013
14. Get Lost in NYC at The Strand - Accomplished November 2013
15. Save Our Home - Accomplished Fall 2013
16. Be Creative - Accomplished all year with new craft ideas, studio, sewing, etc.
17. Share My Gifts - Accomplished December 2013, I offered free aromatherapy sacks to anyone who donated to the Norrie Disease Foundation; I baked for the neighbors and for the soup kitchen for the holidays
18. See the Pacific - Accomplished June 2013
19. Donate in Mike's Honor - Accomplished April 2013, I donated the full amount of the sound system for the SRCS spring concert
20. Make a New List - TBA

I only have 4 items left out of 20.  Going to England is a biggie, I really don't know when or how I'm going to manage that.  I also need to select a film festival to go to, but there aren't any right here, so that could also take some doing.  Building a new list is something I'll do next July, and baking a cake from scratch will happen sooner rather than later as I've been feeling very Betty Crockery with the holidays.I have 7 months left to do these 4 things, and I'm excited about it.  I don't know what will be on the next list.  But this one has done its job admirably.

So that is the long version of my year.  The short version is, like my Christmas card says, it's been a year of adventure and adjustment.  Being alone has not been easy, but I am starting to like it more and more.  I don't allow myself the luxury of thinking I will ever find another partner, but if I someday decide I want to, I hope I am able to find someone I can share my life with who is willing to do all these busy and fun things.  And introduce me to new things as well.  But I really am not even thinking about that at this point.  Or maybe I am, since I just wrote that!  I do like being single fine, though, much more than I thought I would.  It is the first time in my life I've been able to make my own decisions and not ask another person's opinions and take anyone else into consideration besides my daughter, and I find that very interesting and liberating.  I wish that Mike had not died, and there are genuinely no words that I can say to describe what an unspeakable tragedy his death was for many people.  But I know I am doing the best I can to carve out a new life for myself, and I am trying to be proud of myself every single day for my accomplishments, big and small.

 I should mention of significance, since I tend to get hung up on dates and such...  2013 was the first full calendar year I lived without Mike.  Sure, he's been gone 17+ months, but I have now survived a full calendar year on my own.  I find that significant.  It is hard to imagine.  

I'm not making any real resolutions for 2014.  My dad's girlfriend posted this on Facebook the other day:

Taking care of myself is probably a valid goal for next year.  I would like to make a quilt in the new year.  I would like to be happy, deep down soulful happy.  I have a wonderful community around me that seems dedicated to helping make that happen and for which I am so grateful.  And if you're reading this, you are probably one of them.  Thank you and see you in 2014.

Demystifying the Bobbin

Last year for Christmas, my secret Santa sent me a sewing machine.  I have been dying to get into it, but I didn't have anywhere to set it up, given that my craft room was an absolute pit until the recent upgrades.  I'd been sitting around saying, "I want to start sewing.  I want to get out the sewing machine." but with school and choir and whatnot, even though I had the space, I didn't have the time.  Finally I decided I needed to open it because I just needed some stress relief.  So one fine night I broke the machine out of the box.  I didn't want to bid 2013 adieu without having sewed something, anything.  Plus, it's on my bucket list to learn to sew.

The first test of course was to figure out how to thread the machine.   I could have asked any of a number of people to help me learn to thread it, but ultimately, I really wanted to learn to do it myself and generally I find that when people teach other people how to do something, they actually do it and the learner observes.  And I don't learn that way.  I learn by doing.  So I was determined to do it on my own.  I cracked open the box and got that first whiff of plastic and metal and Styrofoam, and it was nearly a religious experience.  I immediately fell in love with a piece of machinery.  This sucker holds possibility.  I can make things. 

So after unpacking everything, I found a Quick Start guide and tried to follow it.  It told me about winding the bobbin, and to be honest, I had no idea what a bobbin was for or what exactly it did.  But I wound it.  The first issue I had was that the directions showed putting the thread through the bobbin and then clicking it into a little channel.  There were no words, only pictures and every time I tried to click the thread into the channel, the thread broke.  I couldn't figure this out (directions with only pictures also mystify me, which is why whenever I buy furniture that is "some assembly required", I call my friend Andy to come rescue me.  Although to be fair, I did build my bureau single-handedly, which is pretty stinking impressive).  Eventually I realized that the thread is supposed to break, not click, but it was very perplexing for a few minutes and I probably wasted half a yard of thread trying to figure it out.  Once I got the bobbin wound and in place (again, with it broken off into a channel), it was time to thread the machine.  I have done this before--when I went to get my MA in rehabilitation of the blind, we had to thread a sewing machine, but it was under blindfold, which is very different than when you can actually see it.  But it was a fairly simple process except at the end, when I had to try and use this little arm to swing the thread in towards the needle.  In the end, it turned out to be a needle threader, and so when I realized that, I gave up and just threaded the thing by eye.  No problem at all.  I tested out the machine by sewing a line of stitches down a piece of fabric, and it seemed to be working, so I surmised I was ready to go!

In the past, I've made pillows under my mother's supervision.  They've turned out well--I made huge pillows for my bed in my dorm in college, and I've made some throw pillows and some Christmas pillows.  But I wanted to go beyond that.  So I decided to consult my Pinterest board of "learning to sew" projects.  I had pinned a project some time ago called "Fat Quarter Bags", which appealed to me because there wasn't much measuring involved, and numbers just do my head in.  I thought that this would be a great thing for me to try that would break me out of the pillow genre and into something more interesting.  The bags are found on the blog Diary of A Quilter (who also own the picture).  In reading the post, it appears she made a new and improved tutorial, but my link is to the tutorial I used, and I found it was fine except for one teensy little issue, which I will tell you about in a minute.

Anyway, so I settled on making these bags.  I had a ton of fat quarters that I got on sale and had just been sitting around, so I chose a couple of them and some ribbon.  I followed the directions meticulously, and it took nearly two hours, but I finally had this:

Not bad, right?  Yeah, except the one issue!  I put the handle on inside out.  Grrr.  I was so miffed.  The bag is sort of reversible except that you stitch it shut on the inside and that stitching is visible.  So I decided to make a second bag with the handles on the right way.  Only, I was out of that particular ribbon, so I had to use a different ribbon.  And it took only about 30 minutes this time before I had this:

But this is a bit of a cheat, given that the ribbon is two sided.  But what the heck.  Both the bags look great.  I offered one to Leah, but she wanted to pick her own fabric so she decided I should make another one.  Well, after making 3 of them, I was something of a professional.  I started experimenting a little bit with adding a pocket to the front, but clearly my measuring skills need work because the pocket was so narrow it's not actually good for anything, but it was worth trying.

Then one morning I was working on schoolwork and I heard little footsteps coming down the stairs and I heard, "Mama!  Where are you?"  So I told Leah I was working on schoolwork and she said, "I thought you were making bags!"  I said I was doing a paper and she told me "YOU NEED TO MAKE ANNA A BAG!"  Anna is her BFF at school.  So I said I would be happy to make Anna a bag when I had a minute, but it turns out that wasn't good enough.  So it was 8AM, and we leave for school at 8:40.  But I acquiesced, mostly because I wanted nothing to do with my paper at that point.  Leah picked Anna's fabric and handles and I whipped up the bag while Leah went about her business.  I told her it was done and asked her if she was going to give it to Anna, and she said, "No, it's for Christmas".  Grrr.

So anyway, then I got into a debate with some friends on Facebook.  They were convinced that this could not be easy.  That I had magical bag making hands.  That I knew how to sew.  That I was holding out on how hard it really was.  So my friend Melissa came over to see Leah in the Christmas pageant and me in the Christmas concert and she asked if I would show her the craft room, which I was happy to do.  The topic of the bags came up again and I told her I could have her making a bag in 15 minutes.  She accepted the challenge, and sure enough!  She made a bag!

I posted this on Facebook and people still refuse to accept that it can be that easy.  Oh well. I promise it is.  I have no superpowers.  It's just an easy project and great for beginners!  Come over and I'll prove it to you.  I'll call my infomercial, "You too can make a bag in 15 minutes and just FIVE EASY STEPS!"

Anyway, so the idea came to me with these bags piling up and Leah wanting to give Anna one for Christmas that I should give them away as Christmas gifts.  Leah and I have been very lucky to find the ladies at Hospice at this time in our lives and I thought it would be nice to make a goodie bag for each of them for the holidays.  Leah has a lovely counselor named Belinda, whom she and Dot dubbed "Miss Window" in an hilarious exchange during a car ride one day, While Leah was in with her every week for 4 or 5 months, I would sit in the lobby and chat with Miss Pat, the receptionist, who is an absolute ray of sunlight in this world.  And my own counselor, Gloria, is the kindest, most gentle and compassionate human being I have ever met in my life.  So I decided to make each of them a bag and fill them with good stuff.

Last year, I had made each of the ladies a lemon sugar scrub, which they all loved.  I still had a few mason jars left and decided this year to make cucumber mint sugar scrub.  And then I decided to sew something extra and I found a tutorial for therapy sacks at Creative Outlet Designs.  So it seemed fairly simple, a miniature version of making pillows.  I had some essential oils from last Christmas, when I made simmering jars as a gift, so I dug those out and got out some fabric I had from a non-sewing project for birthday gifts for a couple of Leah's friends who had birthdays in the past year.  The fabric was very cheerful and I used tangerine oils because according to the label, it is "cheering" as well and I figured after working with the dying and bereaved all day, you could probably use something cheerful.  I used wheat on the inside, although I will use rice in the future because the wheat I could find is kinda pricey!  And the sacks came out beautifully.

So, I packaged everything up and voila!

Printed off a little poem with the pillows and used scrapbook tags and stickers for the scrubs.  We had a party for Gloria the Friday before Christmas since it was her 73rd birthday, and as a birthday gift, I also gave her a big jar of homemade salsa.  Each of the ladies was very moved by their gift, but given what they have done for us in helping us move forward from what I consider my life's stopping point, there isn't enough nice I can do for any of them.

I also made a sack for myself--I love heating it up in the microwave and then sticking it by my feet in bed.  I keep warm all night like that.  Once Leah got wind of that, she wanted one as well, so I made her one too.  So a couple of friends asked for therapy pillows themselves when they saw the pictures on Facebook.  So I agreed to make one for a friend who is struggling with family issues right now, like I am, and one for my friend Elizabeth who I have mentioned several times on this blog already and who I also can't do enough for.  Then I had the brainflash that if these were so popular, I should put them to good use and so I offered that if anyone would make a donation to the Norrie Disease Association and then let me know, I would make them a therapy sack as well.  So far, only one person has done so, but it's a bit more than they had before and I do have enough fabric for 2 or 3 more pillows in the same material as the Hospice ladies, so if anyone wants one, just say the word, make a donation, and a sack is yours!  (I can also make them in more masculine material if you're a guy) I'm just about out of tangerine oil, but I have lots of lavender and I can get more tangerine or other scents if anyone wants something else.

Finally, I got brave and decided to put the machine to some practical use by hemming two sets of curtains.  Downstairs I put up a curtain to hide The Dumping Ground--Leah's pile o' toys.  I just used a couple of cheap bedsheets, since I didn't sew at that time, but they were far too long for what I needed, so I decided to hem those.  They came out fine.  Then I decided to hem the bathroom curtains.  I had found a couple of sheer panels after we re-did the bathroom, and they were perfect in that they matched the floor and also let some light into our upstairs hallway which looks like a cave, so I got them, but they were far too long.  Every time the windows are open, I'm afraid they'll blow into the toilet!  So I decided to hem those a shorter length and I was very pleased with how they came out as well. (Although you can't see the floor in this picture, it has giant polka dots on it that look like huge soap bubbles.  Hence, the dotted curtains are a perfect fit.)

For Christmas this year, my secret Santa sent me book of quilt patterns, so in 2014, I hope to complete my first quilt.  I have a number of friends who quilt and who assure me it's no big deal.  I hope that proves true.  I will be so proud of myself if I figure out quilting even a simple quilt.

So there you have it, my first sewing post.  I'm beyond proud of myself for learning this much so far and feel hopeful that I will find more new and easy things to become more experienced!

2013 Reading Round Up

Well, I didn't get much reading done this year.  What with one thing and another, reading fell off my radar screen of fun things to do, replaced or augmented by Netflix, crafts, travel, concerts, singing, and UUA business.  I'm not sure I've read even 15 books this year.  But here goes...

Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline.  This was one of the best books I read this year.  It is the juxtaposition of two stories, one modern about a teenager in foster care and one old about a girl who is sent to the Midwest on the orphan train to start her life over after the tragic death of her family in a fire.  Their secrets are sad, their friendship heartwarming.  It was a bit like the film Gravity, where one thing after another goes wrong for the protagonist, but it was a genuinely good, quick read.  I had it in my glove compartment to read on and off if I was early for pick up or something, but I found I couldn't put it down.  So that says something.

My Story by Elizabeth Smart.  Most people had their attention captured at least once or twice by the abduction and eventual rescue of Elizabeth Smart ten years ago.  I always admired how her family allowed her to go on with her life and how she kept her silence.  But this year she decided to break her silence and tell her story herself, and I wanted to read it.  It was compelling and scary and heartwarming all at once.

The Anglo Files: A Field Guide to the British by Sarah Lyall.  I really enjoyed this book--passages of it were laugh out loud funny, none more so than how the MPs heckle and belittle each other in the course of business.  I learned a great deal of history and why the British are the way they are and just really enjoyed it.

Takedown Twenty by Janet Evanovich.  As long as she writes 'em, I'll read 'em.  Stephanie, Lula, Bingo, and a giraffe.  'Nuff said.

Below Stairs by Margaret Powell.  Margaret Powell inspired Julian Fellowes in his portrayal of class in Downton Abbey, and her memoirs inspired Upstairs Downstairs.  She was sassy and spunky and I just loved her.  The book was wonderful.  I enjoyed reading what she thought of the upper crust and her reactions to their reactions to her.  And if I ever get a male cat, I'm definitely naming him "His Lordship".

Inferno by Dan Brown.  The latest Robert Langdon installment.  Probably the last one I'll read.  Lots of running around, lots of 'stuff' disguised as clues that really read to me like "Dan Brown read about all this stuff and decided he'd make a book out of it."  It was ok, but I didn't love it and it didn't make me think I'd want to read anything else.  It was better than the previous one about the Smithsonian or whatever it was, but nowhere near as good as The DaVinci Code or Angels and Demons.

The Guardians: An Elegy for a Friend by Sarah Manguso.  First time in my life I've been jealous of another human being's ability to write.  Manguso writes eloquently about her friend's suicide and her feelings afterwards.  It was a beautiful book and the only one about grief that I managed to get through in the past 17 months, despite a plethora of them having been given to me.

The Sixty Eight Rooms by Marianne Malone.  This summer I had the occasion to visit the Thorne Miniatures at the Art Institute of Chicago.  This is the first in a series of children's books about those rooms.  I wish I was a kid again so I'd have enjoyed reading it more.  Seeing the rooms was far better than reading the book, but to a kid, I bet the book is awesome.

I Love You, Miss Huddleston (And Other Inappropriate Longings of My Indiana Childhood) by Philip Gulley.  I love reading all of Philip Gulley's books.  They are a warm blanket on a cold day.  I had only read this one once, back when it first came out, and my friend who gave it to me said she didn't care for it very much which I think colored my reaction to it the first time around.  This time, I so enjoyed it.  I find it hard to imagine that the person I envision as the adult Philip Gulley, Quaker minister and author extraordinaire was a little bit of a hellion in his younger days.  I plan to go see him in Greensboro NC in January, and I hope to have the gumption to talk to him a bit about this book.

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.  Technically I haven't finished this one yet, but I have to finish it by Sunday for my Anglophiles club and so I know it'll count.  I have seen countless movie versions of this classic Christmas story, but I haven't actually sat down and read it in years.  I am enjoying it so very much.  It is a wonderful book to read and makes me forgive Dickens just a little for all the other of his stories I used to have to plow through as a high school student.

Austenland by Shannon Hale.  Some chick's aunt sends her on an all expenses paid trip to an immersive Jane Austen era experience for 3 weeks and she spend the first 20 days waffling as to whether or not she can pretend she's in Regency England for 3 weeks or not.  And that was the good part.  I detested Jane, I detested the men, I detested all the people in Austenland, I detested the book.  Chosen as part of the Anglophiles club, received an absolute panning from all but 1 member.  That member hated The Anglo Files.  No accounting for taste.

So looks like I'm at 11 for the year.  I'm not counting all the textbooks I had to read for my classes this year.  That might double my total, but it wasn't very much fun, and there is not much to say about management texts and whatnot.

What did you read in 2013?

Christmas 2013: The Christmas of Good Enough*

(*With apologies to my friend Elizabeth, who inspired the name and from whom I might have stolen it)

I used to love Christmas.  I would be preparing for weeks.  Baking, wrapping, singing, watching movies, snuggling, lighting fires, shopping, visiting friends, hosting parties, going to concerts.  It was usually 6 weeks of non-stop fun and festivity.

And then my husband died.  And last year I went through the motions because everyone told me I had to for Leah's sake.  And I was miserable.  And I hated every single minute of it.  And the whole family was at each other's throats, emotions ran high, it was a mess.

And this year, I was determined I was not going to go through that.  Absolutely not.  I didn't know how things were going to change, but I knew that they had to.  When I was a little girl, my favorite books were the Sweet Pickles series, about different animals corresponding to the letters of the alphabet.  One of my all time favorites was the book Rest, Rabbit, Rest. Oh sure, my dad made the best voices when he read us Yakkity Yak Yak and I always got the shivers when Nasty Nightingale or Accusing Alligator got mean with everyone.  But Responsible Rabbit, there was an animal you could relate to.  Rabbit had schedules for everything.  He had charts and clocks and he was so busy and everything was regimented from the time he spent working at the bank to the precise number of minutes that he spent playing music for his flowers.  But Rabbit never rests.  He just keeps going and going until eventually his friends have to trick him into resting before he has a total collapse.

I have turned into Rabbit.  There is so much going on all the time that I narrowly avoid mishaps and mistakes, and I'm missing out on my child's childhood.  I have housework and schoolwork and pre-school pick up and drop off and gymnastics and dance and playdates and board meetings and choir practice and church stuff and and and... Around October, the calendar on my iPad gave up displaying my appointments, instead listing "And 5 more" on the blocks.  And I started to realize that my "have to" list was eating up my time so I could ignore the pain I was in and also so I could just get through my days.

We ran around like crazy over Thanksgiving.  And I just wanted to relax.  I hated it.  I hated the constant car rides up 95, the traffic, the "have to's" and the "shoulds" and the "can'ts".  I was so behind on schoolwork I spent most of Thanksgiving week writing a paper and missing out on my father's visit.  I shuffled my daughter off to relatives and spent the week in a deep funk. And I looked ahead to Christmas and the calendar and I knew I had to finish school and sing in a concert and go to a couple of concerts and host the annual 3 Kings party and do all the things associated with Christmas, and I get very very depressed and I just thought, "I really, really do not want to do this."  I recently spent two hours sobbing hysterically to a volunteer at the suicide prevention crisis line, and like Responsible Rabbit's friends, the end game of that conversation was "You need to start taking care of yourself.  You need to quit worrying about everyone else's reactions to you and you need to assert your need to be heard and you need to do things that help you care for yourself."

Yet I was already hearing, "You have to do Christmas for Leah.  You have to."  And so I thought to myself, "I may have to have Christmas for Leah, but that doesn't mean Leah can't decide what we do for Christmas."  And so this year, I decided to let Leah be in charge of Christmas.

It has been interesting.  For the first 2 weeks, I was consumed with schoolwork.  I missed the annual concert at Wolf Trap.  I considered going up until 2pm that day, but finally I just felt I had to skip it and do my work.  On the plus side, I did get my Christmas shopping done early, and because Leah was with Melissa, everything was wrapped and hidden before she got home, so I haven't had to worry about that.  Her first 4 Christmases, I bought out every toy in the world, freaked out about the cost, wrapped for days, it was a scene.  This year, I used gift cards and coupons everywhere I went, narrowed my list considerably, and I feel very good about it.  Last weekend, I missed my friends Paul and Kris's annual holiday get-together, which I LOVE and feel bad about missing.  But the world didn't end.  I attended a choir board meeting that had me just beside myself, and then I performed in the concert on Sunday and I realized that what mattered was adding my voice to 60+ others and making 450 people in an auditorium excited to hear singing and music.  I had the most fun at this concert I think than I've had in any concert I've sung.  And that's saying something.  I seriously screwed up twice.  Once I don't think was all that noticeable, but the other time I was singing my own thing in my own time.  Oh well.  C'est la vie.

We did a 2 session course at Hospice on "Coping with the Holidays", which allowed us to do some crafts and talk about the holidays and what we used to do. The main lessons were "start a new ritual" and "create new traditions".  I liked our old traditions.  I loved sneaking out of the house on Christmas night and getting McD's at the drivethrough in my PJ's.  I liked riding around looking at lights every night while sipping cocoa.  I loved watching Love Actually till I wanted to puke.  I didn't want anything to change.  But it did change.  And so I have to accept that.  I don't have to like it, but I do have to accept it.

I've spent a good part of this holiday season chatting with friends on line, starting a new evening posting of George Clooney pictures, and sewing.  I am finally learning to sew, which requires a post of its own.  But I also let Leah dictate what holiday things we are going to do.  So once in a while she asks if we can go look at lights, and we do.  We watched a couple of Christmas movies together, not necessarily at night.  Monday night we volunteered at the local soup kitchen, serving a meal to needy and homeless members of our community.  It was quite an awesome experience and I think Leah learned a great deal from it.  She cried because I wouldn't let her eat a cookie until all the patrons of the community had enough, and I explained to her about how the people in the room were hungry and didn't have regular meals and she had to sit and consider that.  It made quite an impact on her to see babies and young children coming in for a meal.  I was glad to do it and I was glad to have her do it as well.

Once we were done doing good, it was tree time, and the major thing I relinquished control over to her of was the tree.

For a while, I thought we weren't going to get a tree.  Our friends Greg and Allison very kindly offered us that we could either go with them to the farm to get one from their CSA or else we could go get one ourselves when we had time. I opted that we would get one ourselves as I always put mine up late and they were going earlier in the month.  I never made it out to the farm and Leah never asked.  She occasionally would see a little potted tree in the supermarket and I'd think, "OK this is the tree!" but it never was.  This week, the last full week before Christmas, was the week I had in mind that we'd do one special thing every day.  Yesterday was "Tree Day" and we were going to go get our tree and pick up a new stand.  But before we could do that, Leah had announced that we were putting a star on the top of the tree this year, damnit!  NO ANGELS.

I have a lovely white angel with beautiful feathery fluffy wings that Mike and I received as a Christmas gift from his aunt and uncle.  It's been atop our tree since the first year we were married.  The idea of not putting that angel on the tree was somewhat physically painful.  But I just let go.  Next order of business was to find a star.  I found that Hobby Lobby had quite a selection, so I took her over there and we found The Star Aisle.  I had asked her in the car whether she wanted a silver star or a golden one and she came down firmly on the side of gold, so our task was to find a golden star.  The first one she zoomed in on was hot pink and covered in glitter, and as soon as she saw it, that was the star.  There was no arguing, no talking her out of it, she grabbed it off the shelf and off we went.

Next stop was to get a tree.  And it was VERY cold and suddenly the idea of chopping down our own tree didn't seem quite as appealing.  So we decided to try a few spots in town and eventually found trees sitting outside at Walmart.  I tried to talk Leah into a nice 7 footer they had outside, but she decided that nothing would do but a 5 footer that was completely bound up.  I explained that because the tree was tied together, we couldn't tell what the tree looked like and maybe we should get one that wasn't tied up so we could see how the branches were.  Nope . No.  Thank.  You.  I showed her how the tree I picked was taller than the tree she picked.  Didn't care.  That tree was The Tree.  So again I said to myself, "Ok, this is Leah's tree.  it probably looks huge to a 4 year old.  Just buy the damned tree."  And I did.  It fit neatly inside the car, I could lift it with one hand, and Leah was skipping along talk to the tree and giggling and was very joyful about the whole experience.

We got the tree home and into the stand--which took some doing because the trunk was so small the tree didn't much fit in the stand---I have all the screws tightened as far as they will go.  Insane!!!  Then we cut the bindings off the tree and fluffed the branches.  And I had to hand it to the kid.  The tree wasn't half bad.

It's small.  Very small.  By way of comparison, here are our trees the last 2 years:

Just a little bit of a size difference, to say the least. I've dubbed this year's tree "Twinkie".

So we let the branches drop a while and then I explained to Leah that we had to put everything on the tree in a specific order following the LOGS method:  Lights, Ornaments, Garland, Star.  She sat patiently through the lights portion of the proceedings.  I confess it was much easier in that when I needed to put lights on the back of the tree, I just picked it up, moved it to the middle of the room, put the lights on and moved it back.

Well, after the lights were on, Leah decided there was no way the ornaments were going on next, it was garland time.  So I put the garland on and thanked my lucky stars it wasn't hot pink and then finally she deigned to allow me to put on the ornaments.  Of course midway through, I dropped one and it broke.  Leah was immediately concerned I was going to freak out because she began soothing me.  "It's ok, Mama.  It's OK.  It's no big deal.  Accidents happen.  We have another blue ornament."  It was so sweet, I had tears in my eyes.  After a point, she got tired of playing with the ornaments and put a few on herself and then got tired altogether and announced it was star time.  I'd guess we put maybe 1/3 of our ornaments on the tree, but it's definitely full. So I lifted her up in the air and she put her star on the tree.

And immediately lost her shit entirely because the star wouldn't stay straight on top of the tree.  I explained that we needed to cut the top branch down just a bit, but she wouldn't have that, nosiree, so I wound up just kind of wedging it on there.  She was very pleased with the final result.  And then we shut off the lights, Leah screamed at the top of her lungs every 4 or 5 minutes for an hour to dissuade the cats from getting involved in the tree, and we read Glenn Beck's Christmas Book "The Snow Angel" together.  Yes.  That Glenn Beck.  My father found the book at a junk shop near his girlfriend's house and thought it was a nice story and got it for us.  So yes, you might say hell has officially frozen over.

I love Twinkie.  I didn't think I would like this tree, but I love this tree.  I love her audacious flashiness.  With very few ornaments and decorations, she looks like a Vegas Show Girl.  She doesn't require me to totally disrupt my furniture.  She doesn't make it impossible to see someone sitting on the other side of the room.  She doesn't take up a ton of space.  She didn't require a lot of time.  She is sweet and fun.  And she has real presence.  She literally lights up the room from deep within her branches.  I thought my kid was crazy, but now I suspect she's a genius.

Today we were supposed to bake for two of our neighbors.  The plan was to make Chex Mix and Hershey Kiss cookies.  I always think of Penny's love for Muddy Buddies Chex Mix and it makes me feel closer to her when I make it at Christmas.  And we never made the Hershey Kiss cookies for Christmas when I was a kid, but whenever we had them it was such a rare treat that I just associate them with Christmas.

We got the muddy buddies done, and then Leah announced it was time to play the Wii.  She has recently gotten into a Scooby Doo game we have on there and that is pretty much all she wants to do.  So I agreed to play for a little while.  But we played for nearly 3 hours until it was time to get ready and go to gymnastics.  So no Hershey Kiss Cookies.  And Leah got a little bit involved in the powdered sugar part of the muddy buddies so we have powdered sugar from one end of the room to the other, and all over her clothing.  She was supremely hyper on our way to the gym and I was glad she'd have a place to run off her energy!

So tomorrow the plan is to go to the Gaylord to see the ICE exhibit.  Then we will roar home and go to our final Hospice Support Care family counseling session, which of course will revolve around surviving the holidays.  Friday is Leah's last day of school and her school Christmas party, and a party at Hospice for my writing group and our coordinator.  Maybe we'll bake cookies over the weekend, I'm not sure yet. 

So here's what I'm learning from my Good Enough Christmas:

1.  If things don't get attended or don't get done, it isn't the end of the world.
2.  The little things are the big things.
3.  If Christmas is for children, children should lead the way.  This will make Christmas look different than what we as grown ups plan, but it adds some magic and wonder to the holiday that I have never experienced as an adult.  Leah doesn't care if we have an Elf on the Shelf (which we don't) and she doesn't care if we bake 10 dozen cookies in 8 different varieties (which we haven't).  She wants to open some presents, read some stories, play some games, and put up a tree.  Beyond that, it's all gravy.
4.  The old holiday traditions are lovely.  They are important.  If they can be preserved, that's wonderful.  If they can't, it is totally fine to try new things.  And if they don't work out, it's ok that they don't become the new traditions.Continuity is good.  It does help you keep connected to the loved ones you've lost or who aren't around this year.  And when this year's loved ones are some day gone, your continued ways of doing things will keep you connected to them as well.
5.  It's not the size of your tree, it's the glitz of your tinsel.
6.  There are people out there who will talk to you all night if you need them to.  Some of them are your friends, some of them are total strangers.  Talk to the ones who will listen.  Sometimes you just need to be heard.
7.  Take care of yourself.  It doesn't have to be major--a hot shower, a favorite movie, a cup of tea, a deep breath, finish a chore you hate so it's off your list early and you have less stress.
8.  Clear the calendar.  I have things in my 2014 calendar for as late as July already.  I hate that.  And I'm going to become very choosy about what I do and don't do in the new year.
9.  Even when you mess up, keep singing. 
10.  Be thankful.  You weren't guaranteed this holiday season, but you got it anyway.  Enjoy it, savor your days.  And if you can't (and I assure you, I can't always), then at least watch others enjoy it and take something from that.

Getting Crafty

So it has long been my plan to turn Mike's former man cave into a crafting studio.  I love finding an outlet in creative endeavors, and last year my mom and I took a couple of classes at Michael's, learning how to make journals out of paper bags and learning the art of altered canvas.  I've also become obsessed with crafting on Pinterest, and found a lot of awesome projects.  In the last year, we (me, Mom, Leah) have made alcohol ink coasters, glitter ornaments, hydrangea paper wreaths, lamp makeovers, melted crayon art, sugar scrubs, paper flowers, family art, and more.  Unfortunately without a dedicated space, we worked at the dining room table, and then all our supplies went in plastic bags and got dumped in the man cave.  I did have Goodwill come and remove Mike's desks, I sold off his ham radio equipment, and got rid of his coffee station, but ultimately, although I knew I wanted to have a beautiful room for crafting and creating, I didn't know what to do.

Finally, about 8 months ago, I came across a pin that just spoke to me.  I can't figure out how to make my pins show up here, but this is an image from the blog that I pinned:

The pin was instructions for building the table, although frankly when you click on it, you are told no such page exists.  But basically, you buy some fairly inexpensive shelves from Walmart or the retailer of your choice, and then you buy 2 doors the same width and lay them on top.  Voila!  A crafting table with storage. (A Google search for Ivy Cottage Blog keeps bringing up other blogs ABOUT this particular table, but not the Ivy Cottage Blog itself, so maybe it doesn't exist any more?  Anyway, they own the rights to this picture, not me.)

I loved this idea and have clung to it for months.  I thought that teaming it with Expedit shelving from Ikea would work out great, and I've been on the hunt on Craig's List for Expedit shelves for months.  Until that time, bags and boxes of "stuff" have been piling up till I look like a hoarder.  Seriously.  And then, I got lucky!

I saw an ad for one shelf on Craig's List, but the lady actually had 2 to sell--one was a 4x4 model, the other a 5x5 model.  She wanted $190 for both of them, so I was bold, emailed her and asked her if she'd take $175, and she agreed (I think retail it would have cost nearly $400, so I got a great bargain!).  I got 3 of my friends (Jeff, Greg, and Chris), two of whom have trucks, to come with me and pick the suckers up, and in no time, we had shelves.  I already had a 2x4 model of Expedits down there for Leah's craft supplies, so the guys hauled the shelving in and they fit into the room just beautifully.  My sister was here the same weekend, and she stayed and helped me get things onto shelves in basically the order I thought they should go in, and I was just thrilled.  I could finally walk to a shelf and find paper without having to look through 3 or 4 boxes, only to find what I wanted crumpled at the bottom of a plastic bag.  There is so much room for storage, I've been able to collect crafting odds and ends from all over the house and finally put them where they belonged.  It was a bit of a heart wrenching project because I did have a few boxes of Mike's stuff in there that needed to be gone through, and which I did go through, got down to one box, and stored on the shelves.  There may have been a few tears involved in that situation.  But also, it was quite shocking the extent to which I had bought and re-bought and bought again supplies that I thought I didn't have simply because I couldn't find them in the mess. For instance, I would say conservatively I have $100 in alcohol inks. 

When everything was shelved, I took a night and grabbed the memory scrapbook that we had out at Mike's memorial.  Everyone who came left beautiful messages, and there were a LOT of pages left over.  So I went into my closet and got down the box of sympathy cards and glued those into the book, as well as all of Mike's awards that used to be framed and hanging on the wall.  The book is hugely thick now, and of course, after I ran out of pages, I found even more cards while cleaning, but I'll figure out what to do with those in time.  It was extremely moving to go through everything and read all the lovely messages of love and offers of help.  I cried a whole lot, but I feel so good knowing that all of those things are safe and preserved.

So then it was table time.  My dad started asking me at Thanksgiving what I wanted for Christmas so I decided to ask him for the doors for the table.  I knew the table would be perfect and once I built it, I would be ready for business.  He bought the doors, although to be honest, the entire process with building the table turned into quite an odyssey.  I bought myself the shelves and called on my friend Andy to come and build them, because he likes doing that kind of thing for some crazy reason.  As soon as we built the first shelf, I knew that it was A) too tall and B) the doors were too narrow.  So we returned the doors and the shelves, went to two more stores to buy new shelves and new doors and then built the table.  Andy mocked my hammering technique.  But given the hell I put him through to make the table, I let it pass. :0D

So, here is the big reveal...

The small shelf to the right is Leah's shelf--she knows that she can go in any time and use anything on her shelf without having to ask permission.  I am standing in the doorway of the room and immediately to my left is the other set of shelves--the 4x4 shelves.  I just couldn't get everything into the picture.  Eventually I will cover the doors in chalkboard paint, and in February I'll be hosting a little painting party to get rid of the blood red walls.  But otherwise, the only thing I'd like to do is change the flooring, and really that is going to have to wait quite a while.

What does the other citizen of the house think?

 

She is absolutely in love with the room.  Nearly every day she announces it's project time and we go in and she works on her own projects.  She's very creative--she turned 3 toilet paper tubes into rockets and we have enjoyed many games of catch with them.  She has made all kinds of paper and glue and glitter projects, she enjoys making ornaments with beads, painting, really anything she can think of. And she loves when we make projects together.  I love being in there as well.  When Mike was alive, I had a small table to one side of the man cave where I did scrapbooking.  He always told me, "Susan, I love it when you work in here, it makes me feel so close to you."  So being in "his" office really brings me a great deal of comfort.  And I can tell you that this weekend when I had a PILE of Christmas presents to wrap, that table came in SO handy! I also used the table to spread out and address our Christmas cards, so that was pretty great too!

So now that I can find things, Leah and I have been crafting together and I've been crafting alone.  I thought I'd share a few of our creations.  All of the inspiration for these projects has come from Pinterest, but generally speaking, I don't read directions from my pins.  I look at them, deconstruct them in my own mind, figure out how to put them together, and then I make them myself.  Also, since I can't figure out how to embed pins, I'll add a link to the original websites when possible.

My crafting rules are simple:  

1. Can't involve power tools other than a hot glue gun
2. Must be fairly simple and straightforward to understand
3. Can't involve much math--I start reading measurements and I get so perplexed my head hurts and I give up.  SIMPLE!
4. Paper is my favorite medium, so extra points if I get to use paper somehow.
5. A good mix of kid-friendly and not necessarily kid-friendly.  I want to feel like I'm doing stuff as a grown up, not only catering to my daughter, but I also want to be able to do things with her on occasion.

Leslie Ashe's Rolled Paper Tree

Ok, so while Leah was working on her rockets as pictured above, I decided to get out an old project I'd started working on last year with my mom.  I had tried to explain to her what we were doing, but it was pretty obvious she wasn't into it and when Mom isn't into it, there's honestly no point in continuing.  I wanted to make a rolled paper Christmas tree (Note: this link is to Leslie Ashe, who apparently was the mind behind this project, but her website said it doesn't exist any more.  So I can't link directly to the post).  I put one roll on the bottom of the canvas and that was it.  Mom just wasn't into it and it was palpable how much she wanted to do something else.  So I put the canvas away with one stupid roll of scrapbook paper attached to it, and it sat in The Pile for a year.

Knowing that Leah was going to be occupied for a while, I thought it would be a good time to get out the canvas and try to finish it.

Leah's and my rolled paper tree

It was a very simple project.  The hardest part is probably keeping the rolls a uniform size, and about halfway through, I discovered the secret is rolling it around a hot glue stick.  The other challenge is holding it in a roll and figuring out how to glue it.  And then gluing it to the canvas.  I started out with hot glue, but of course it's stringy and I burned myself a couple of times, so I switched to Aileen's Quick Dry Tacky Glue, which I highly recommend.  When I was done, Leah wasn't entirely satisfied with just the blank canvas behind the tree.  I had wanted to add a background paper, maybe a dark color or stars or something, but couldn't find anything I loved, so we decided to add a star on top, a Santa, and a reindeer, as well as some presents, a top border, and the words Merry Christmas!  It gives my tree a more informal feel, but I love it and I'm very pleased with how it came out.My tree is a bit wider and a bit more stereotypically progressive (I cut my paper down by 1/2 an inch each time).  And obviously it's a little bit tippy, but I love it!  So I called that one a great success.

Shelterness Cupcake Wrapper Wreath

Then at some point, Leah and I were in there and she announced that we should do a project together.  She calls all our craft designs "projects".  I looked at the craft supplies I had on the shelves, and I spied a foam wreath form and a package of cupcake wrappers and I remembered seeing a wreath made out of cupcake wrappers online "somewhere".  I can't locate the pin on my boards, so maybe I never pinned it, but I thought it was really pretty.  I did a quick search tonight of cupcake wrapper wreaths, and when you pack them together really tightly, they really look special, but I had one package of 75 that were left over from the cupcake contest at the fair this summer, and I decided we could use those for our wreath.  Anyway, to the left is the picture I remember seeing, and it comes from Shelterness, which also owns the rights to the picture.

This was a great project for kids because given the way that we put our wreath together, Leah was able to fold the papers into quarters, and she was able to use straight pins to attach the papers to the wreath form.  The repetitiveness of it eventually bored her and she moved on to other things, but it was nearly done by then.  The only thing I would probably do differently is to attach the papers with glue instead of pins just because it would be much cheaper that way.  Still, for us it was a great way for Leah to participate since I don't let her use the hot glue gun yet.  She loved the way the colors turned out, she loved pinning, she didn't love folding so much, although I did give her a bone folder and she thought it was pretty fancy to have a tool to fold with.  So that was cool  Anyway, our wreath is more multi-purpose than the one pictured above, but would be great for a birthday party, kid's room, Cinqo de Mayo celebration, or just anywhere you want a bright, sunny decoration.   Also, clearly we folded ours, which gave it a much different look than the one above, which probably had the wrappers glued straight on and then arranged around each other.  But there are tons of different possibilities.  After completing this, Leah went nuts in the cupcake wrapper department at Wegman's and we came home with mini wrappers, which I think will be really lovely, and also with red and white wrappers for Christmas.  I have my doubts that they will get done, but you never know.

From ArtCraftIdeas.net

The final project I'll mention for this entry was snow globe ornaments.  I pinned this one just last week, as I was thinking I would be babysitting Leah's little friend Anna on Friday, but the girls instead had school, so I didn't need to entertain two four year olds.  I was honestly a little disappointed, but Leah and I made the ornaments today instead. 

Anyway, the original pin was entitled "Easy Christmas Craft Ideas for Kids" and showed the four ornaments to the left.  The one with the plastic cup caught my eye, and I thought it was such a neat idea!  I didn't read the directions (of course!), but I knew I had some clear plastic cups from Mike's 1 year memorial in July, and I figured all we'd need to do would be to glue some figurines down to a paper plate, add fake snow, put on a hanger of some sort, hot glue the cup over the base, and that would be that.

The hardest part was finding small embellishments to put in the ornaments.  Hobby Lobby had very little in the way of miniature figurines for these guys.  Finally in their ornament collections, I found ornaments called "My Very Own Tree" or something of that nature, which are small ornaments you can give children who want to decorate Christmas trees of their own.  (NB:  That'll be the day.  I've decided this year and hereafter, Leah is in charge of the family Christmas tree.  If she wants to go buy all purple ornaments, so be it.  If she wants a 2 foot tree, so be it.  We're not having multiple trees per family member.)

Our sweet little ornaments

Anyway, these little ornaments looked to be the right size for what we'd need, and I found a larger box of clay ornaments of Santa, snowmen, penguins, etc. and decided to use those on the inside.  My instructions above are pretty much spot on--I traced the cup onto the plate so Leah would know what area she had to work with.  She got to choose which main figure she wanted and several smaller pieces go be glued on around him (she chose Santa).  I manned the hot glue gun, but I did let her independently place the ornaments on her circle, and she was very respectful of the fact that the glue was HOT.  She also helped me build my ornament--I chose a penguin.  It made me think of my niece, Dot, who recently spent the night and LOVED watching the penguins in the Claymation Christmas special. 

To put the ribbon through the top, I cut holes with an exacto knife, and then used a very large needle to thread the ribbon in and out.  Once the ribbon was in, we turned the cups upside down and put a little bit of fake snow in each cup.  I put hot glue around the rim of the cup, and then Leah flipped the figurine papers upside down onto the cups.  Then we turned them back over, cut off the excess paper plate and there we had ornaments!  It was so fun to do this and I think they look so great.  I hope she'll want to do it again, but she was more or less done at one, so I might need to recruit some other children to do it with us.

So I would really like to get out my sewing machine, which I got a year ago and is still in the box.  I have all the stuff I need to make some sweet little buckwheat pillows and I'd like to give them to the Hospice grief counselors who have worked with me and Leah this year. 

I'm glad all of our projects are turning out our way and not exact replicas of the things I've seen on Pinterest.  I'm grateful to Pinterest users for all the ideas I've gotten this year--it's been so fun to rediscover my inner crafter.  When I'm that girl, I'm transported from my worries for a while, and that is absolutely invaluable!  I'll post other projects in the future :)  Generally speaking, I am not getting terribly attached to anything we've made so far.  Mom, Judy, and I have discussed doing craft fairs and that is a definite possibility in the future.  We have a lot of ideas, now we just need to find the time!