2016 Top Ten

2016 has been a rough year.  On the grand scale, we lost Carrie Fisher and gained Donald Trump.  There's been all kinds of mayhem leading to Brexit, Black Lives Matter having to be a thing, insults slung around left and right, all kinds of craziness.  Closer to home, I've known people who have lost spouses and children and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends, people they love, and some of them have been people I've loved very much too.  I have a friend in prison for the first time, and a friend who lost a toe and a friend who nearly died of a most unexpected heart attack.  I was laid off from a job I loved with coworkers I really respected and cared about doing work that actually mattered.  I got another job working for another agency with other people I really liked and cared about, only to be laid off just before Christmas.  I've had dear friends I really loved and respected decide they didn't want to be part of my life anymore, and that hurt so, so much.  At the start of the year, I was one of two people chosen to be guardians to two little girls who lost their mother, who was a dear friend of mine, and the other family was chosen to raise them, which broke my heart.

So yeah, it's been a rough one.

But it has also been a really beautiful year.  And I got lazy this year and didn't write out a Christmas newsletter, so maybe you didn't know all these things going on. 

So in deference to David Letterman's famous Top 10 lists, I decided to sit down and think about what I am most grateful for happening this year.  Because I've had it pretty good in many ways.  So here are The Top Ten Reasons Susan Is Grateful to Have Been Alive in 2016.  In no particular order...

10.  Celebrity Fun

This year, I got to do three amazing meet and greets with celebrities.  The joy I felt afterwards from meeting these people was foolish.  I grinned for days and days and days.  The first two both happened in June and they both happened in Philadelphia, which is kind of fun, and in each case, I had a great sidekick by my side.

First, I went to my first convention this year, that being Wizard Con in Philadelphia.  I sweet talked my college BFF Joe into coming out for the event after hearing David Duchovny and cast members of the X Files would be there, and so we had great plans and were able to follow through. I couldn't help but rib him a bit after he made plans and signed us up to meet not only David Duchovy, but also William B. Davis who plays uber-villain Cancer Man (of whom Joe is terrified, but who is really a sweet man), and Mitch Pileggi who plays Skinner, the FBI director.  We had such an amazing time!  Our smiles in the pictures really say it all.

Mini Scully still lives proudly in my kitchen in the original packaging, as directed by Joe, so nothing happens to her, and Joe and I still are talking about our adventure and when The X Files will be back and what we thought of the 6 episode arc that came on this year (also a high point!).  It was an amazing day.  Not to mention I got a picture with a Storm Trooper, we got to see Billy Boyd in person, played some games, and ate the most incredible steamed buns at a ramen restaurant--I am seriously still dreaming about them.

A couple of weeks later, I took my sister to see Barenaked Ladies for her birthday present.  I got us VIP passes so we could go backstage and she could finally meet Kevin Hearn, her favorite member of the band.  We saw them the week before when they came to Wolf Trap, and then drove up to Philly for a day.  It was  a great day anyway, as we discovered Philly's Polish neighborhood and ate some amazing Polish food and wandered shops and streets filled with people who looked a lot like us.  Then we went to the concert and backstage and had an awesome experience talking with the band.  In the end, I was able to tell Ed Robertson what the band and their music had come to mean to me, and got not one, but two hugs from him, which was pretty darned incredible.The band isn't doing meet-and-greets this year, but we'll probably still take in a show or three because there really isn't anyone better, as far as I'm concerned.  I've lost track of how many times I've seen them in concert, but I don't have much intention of quitting. :)

For a couple of years now, my friend Andy and I have been wanting to go see Philip Phillips in concert.  The timing was never right on his other tours, but this year, we discovered he was going to Wolf Trap, so we decided to go check it out.  There were a couple of opening acts, most notably one called Great Big World, who I had never heard of before.  But I really, really liked their music (in fact, they were better than Philip Phillips in my humble opinion when all was said and done) and we were having a great time when the guys from the band announced they'd be doing a meet-and-greet up at the merchandise station after they were done performing.  I asked Andy did he want to go, and told him we'd be telling my grandchildren about this, so up we went.  It was a total mob scene, but Andy said he would put our fate into my able hands as a seasoned meet-and-greeter, so I waded into the crowd of teens and tweens waiting for a chance to meet their idols and we had to wait less than an hour to meet Ian and Chad.  They were so kind and friendly and it was really a lot of fun to meet them, especially not knowing who they were.  Haha.  I even told them I had never heard of them, which they thought was awesome (#stupidstuffyousaytocelebswhenyourenervous)

It was an unexpected bonus and such a treat. My cousin's reaction on Facebook the next day was priceless...  Ha!  And in doing some research about them, it turned out I had heard of at least one of their songs, which was pretty cool, and they are Grammy winners, which is cool too.  Rubbing elbows with the big names!

9.  Friends

I am truly blessed (and this comes from a largely secular person) with the friends in my life.  They bless me with their presence and with their beauty and goodness and trust and reliability every single day.  I have friends who bring me soup and ginger ale when I'm sick, I have friends who drop me a text for no particular reason that always seems to come when I'm having a down moment, I have friends who listen to me when I need it, I have friends who are up for adventure, I have friends who are far away and who are right across town and they are all here for me all the time.  Last year, I identified several people who were more acquaintances than friends who I wanted to move into the "good friends" category, if that makes sense, and I spent time systematically working my way through my own mental processes to become friends with those people.  I'm so pleased that they responded in friendship and I've added them to my inner circle.  There are people with whom I agree on nothing politically, but we came through the election cycle with our relationships in tact.  I'm in a local game group, have made new friends at the UU, it's amazing how people come into my life from various quarters, but I'll take them! :) I feel unworthy of people's friendships and affection so often, even though people tell me all the time how glad they are for my friendship and my presence in their lives, and it's almost foolish how grateful I am and full my life feels because of all these different people in my life. Thank you.

One of my friend highlights of 2016:  Mike and Lesley came to visit and I got to meet their new children <3

Friends got together for a little birthday party for me in August.  What a wonderful surprise!

8.  The Holiday Season

The holiday season is always a mixed bag for me.  It magnifies my single-ness and what I've lost, and of course there is the stress of the season financially, activity-wise, making sure everything is just right.  When I lost my job in August, my Christmas Club was cashed out and returned to me, but I wound up using it to pay for Leah's vision therapy, so I was nervous about giving the girls a good Christmas.  Happily, I was re-employed in a month's time and was able to provide the girls with a good Christmas morning with lots of presents under the tree.  But more importantly, we had a really great holiday season in general.  It was full of concerts and Christmas lights, and cookies and friends and music and movies and quiet moments and light peeping and joy.  To be sure, I had my Sarah MacLachlan evening where I laid in the basement with Wintersong on repeat, crying my eyes out, but instead of a week of that, it was one night, and I was back at it.  We were given wonderful gifts from friends and family near and far, enjoyed parties, and the new Wii has been on non-stop since it was unpacked.  We have no fewer than 3 New Year's parties we've been invited to, all happily on different days, up from a total of ZERO the past few years, and I just feel so lucky and happy this December, a new and different feeling from holidays past.  Healing?  Maybe I have.  Or maybe I'm just looking at things differently.  Either way, I'll take it.

7.  Family

My family made it through another year.  We've had our ups and downs, but everyone is in good health and we are all hanging in there.  My parents are getting older, my sister is getting crazier, all the kids are getting bigger, my in-laws are still hanging in, but we're surviving and thriving.  Some highlights have been Mike's sister Paula coming to Fredericksburg for a visit, the aforementioned trip to Philly with my sister, hilarious Skype conversations in which my dad is fighting the twin forces of an uncooperative camera and his crazy cats, all of us being together for Thanksgiving, and my mom and Craig rescuing me from certain roadside doom when I had a flat tire.  Not to mention taking my nephew William to DinosaurLand (where he developed an instant fascination with, of all things, King Kong), my niece to the Roller Derby where she learned a valuable life lesson about falling down and getting back up, and my nephew Winston harrassing me at every turn over the bounce house.

6.  Two Weeks in Europe

We had the incredible opportunity this year to spend two weeks in Belgium with Ine and her family.  I think most everyone knows, but out of the blue two years ago, we were asked to host Ine as an AFS student who needed a home and we jumped at the chance after some shrewd negotiating with a local private school since our public school refuses to admit exchange students.  After a year at home, we were invited to come to Belgium and Ine's parents Hilde and Johan gave us the most fabulous vacation ever to thank us for our generosity and hospitality towards Ine.  I honestly have never been a party to anything like it. I think we saw almost all of Belgium, amazing artwork, great food, all kinds of geography from mountains to oceans, cities, the countryside, we stood in three countries at once, went to see Cirque du Soleil for the first time, carriage rides, boat rides, train rides, car rides, you name it, we did it.  I was also happy to be able to take Leah on two day trips, one to London and one to Paris, per our own choice.  Leah wanted to go to Paris in the worst way and stay in a fancy hotel, so we spent a day on top of the Eiffel Tower, viewing the Barbie Exhibit at the Musee des Arts Decoratif, eating at little cafes, taking naps, and using my rusty French to get around the city as best we could.  In London, I finished up the few things I had wanted to do by walking across Tower Bridge, climbing up into St. Paul's Cathedral, showing Leah where the real queen lives, and getting absolutely dumped on by English rain.  It was so wonderful to see and do so much, but mostly to be reunited with Ine and get to know her amazing parents.  I'll never forget it as long as I live.

Posing for pictures while Leah acts as photographer--me with Hilde, Johan, and Ine, our Belgian relations, at the beach

Just before crossing Tower Bridge--a highlight of my summer

Paris, Toujours

5.  Children

I've been so lucky that so many people this year have given me their children to love and to trust.  As I mentioned earlier this year, I was in a position to take in two children, but that fell apart.  I started classes afterwards to adopt a waiting child from foster care, but the agency changed trainings and stopped returning my messages, so I assumed I wasn't a good candidate (I got an email two weeks ago asking if I was still interested, which I am not at present), so my heart was broken by two failed attempts at enlarging our family.  But then I started appreciating the people all around me and their children who give me hugs and trust and love, and I realized I have so much in my life that it's ok that my dreams of a larger family never worked out.  From my 'nephew' Michael who runs screaming to me every time he sees me to The Bup who casually strolls into my house every week and lets me know exactly what activities we'll be doing that particular visit to my nieces and nephews to my beautiful AFS kids (more on that later) including Dipthi and Claudia to the children who stayed with us from Matsiko to Leah's friends who have gone on adventures with us, I've been entrusted with children of all shapes and shades and sizes and colors, and I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives.  I look forward to watching them all grow and take on the world--I know they're going to.

4.  The UU

Almost four years ago now, I discovered the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Fredericskburg.  I was looking for a place to go and get away from my life for a little while, but I have discovered a vibrant and exciting community of people I truly love and respect.  I gush about them a lot, and I gush about life at the fellowship a lot, and I'm not sorry.  My association there has been life-changing, literally.  I love serving as a worship associate, singing with the choir, I've been a speaker twice this year--once as the main speaker and once in regards to what being a member means to me, I've served on the RE committee, I started a women's book club this year, I've taken classes and learned so much, participated in potlucks and contests, and this year, I have offered and given items into the service auction, which has led to two amazing events at our house--an afternoon tea for a marvelous group of women and a Halloween murder mystery party for a super group of talented people who got to stretch their acting chops and have some fun.  Coming up we have two more events and then I'm done for the year, but it has been so much fun planning and organizing and celebrating.  People are warm and welcoming me into their homes and lives for parties and fun things and we have also gotten to do some volunteer work and had some folks come to the house for needed repairs.  All in all, it's been incredible.  I hope to continue on there for some time to come.

3.  Personal growth and development

When I turned 40 in 2015, a friend told me the blessing of turning 40 is that you no longer have to care about the little crap that plagues you when you're younger.  It's true. I've started turning down invitations to things I don't want to go to, I've stopped talking to toxic people in my life without worrying (too much) about hurting their feelings, I've stopped doing stuff that doesn't make my happy, and I've quit worrying about things I really can't do anything about.  I've also made a serious effort at being less judgmental, more grateful, happier, and accepting, not only of other people, but of myself.  I've learned so much as a gastric sleeve patient about body acceptance, I got a lot out of counseling from healing the wounds of the past, I've been spending less time on line, I've developed new interests, worked hard to be accepted and admired professionally, and worked on boosting my self confidence.  Some of this has come from having a 16 year old life coach move into the house (more on this later), but some has just come from age and wisdom and experience and perspective I simply didn't have before.  I like who I am now in ways I never could have before this moment in my life.  I'll take it, 2016.  Thanks!

2.  Astrid

yes, I'm wearing lipstick, just one of many changes

I spent a fair amount of time licking my wounds after our last AFS student didn't work out.  I felt sad that we hadn't connected, sad that she hadn't enjoyed being part of our family, sad that we hadn't enjoyed having her be a part of our family.  I thought I wouldn't host again, and I thought AFS wouldn't let me host again, but as a volunteer with AFS, I was able to read incoming applications and think about them and consider hosting.  I hadn't much given consideration to any of them beyond "it would be nice to have this particular kid in Virginia" until I ran across an application by a glamorous looking 15 year old from Denmark.  I read her application, I looked at her pictures, I read what her parents had to say, and it was like a bolt from the blue, smacking me in the head saying "THIS ONE, YOU IDIOT."  I knew immediately she was the one, so I put her on hold and nervously approached our area team leader and requested to host Astrid.  It has honestly been one of the best decisions of my entire life.  Astrid is the most amazing kid, and she has jumped into life in the US and in our family with both feet.  My blog about her is more or less a rundown of our monthly activities, but there is so much more to her and to our lives with her that I can't even begin to contain in written form.  Astrid has blown in like a tornado.  She has upended my thinking about my life and what I deserve and what I can have as a future, she has challenged Leah who I see a HUGE difference in in terms of her willingness to be assertive and stand up for herself, she has made us laugh and cry, and vice versa.  I feel old around her sometimes (I hate almost all of the music she listens to, something I swore would never happen to me when I got older.  I also don't understand half of what she's saying due to the slang the kids use today, but I just pretend), and I feel so much younger around her at other times.  She is sassy and sweet and hilarious and thought-provoking and just an amazing kid.  I'm sorry, Peter and Therese, you can't have her back.  She's here to stay. <3

1.  Leah

I know you all know I love my daughter.  All of us who are parents know we can't possibly express the depth of emotion that love takes.  There is literally no putting into words the feelings I have for this kid.  Even on our worst days when I'm sure we want to strangle each other, the love I have for her is without measure or expression.  She is literally my life and my sunshine and my reason for living.  She makes me so proud.  This year has been a really great year for her in so many ways.  Unlike our previous international travel experience when she was but 4 years old, this year she really proved her ability to travel and travel well.  We discovered in May, after years of being told that she is delayed in school and struggling, that in fact, she has an eye condition that makes reading very, very difficult for her from a physical perspective, not a mental perspective.  This fall, she started vision therapy, thanks in part to generous help from my parents, and she is doing really well.  She has a big, beautiful heart as demonstrated by her work in the soup kitchen at St. George's, and her willingness to help out cooking and playing with other children at the Respite House at Micah Ministries.  She is open to having other people in our lives, as demonstrated by her constant desire to host "host students" like Astrid and Ruth and Handful.  She is bossy and loves having younger children around that she can run ragged and who love her attentions and energy, as witnessed by the adoration heaped upon her by Michael and The Bup.  She has her own sense of style--more than one person has come up to me to tell me how they love watching her make up choices, her fashion choices from week to week at the UU and beyond.  She has quite a crew on the bus to school now, and has started making friends in her class--for the first two years at elementary school, she's only had one friend.  I love her little friend Carlie, but am also glad she is branching out a bit.  She is sweet and sassy and everything I could ask of her to be and more.  I'm so lucky to be her mom, and I love her more than anything.

I could add a couple of other items here, but all in all, this is a most satisfying list.  I'm not one on making resolutions--easily made and easily broken--but I have some goals for the coming year that I feel confident I'll be able to continue on an upwards trajectory.  Thank you for being part of our lives in 2016, and I hope you'll still be in 2017!  Love to you all, and good health and bounty for the year ahead.

Lots of Happenings!

I start every blog post with "It's been a while", but indeed, it has again been a while.  Life has been CRAZY.  So here's the latest:

1.  Leah starts kindergarten tomorrow.  I'd like to say more about that, but my heart is absolutely breaking into a million little pieces and I can't stop crying about it.  I'm trying to toughen up a bit, but this is going to take some getting used to, to say the least.

2.  I had my gastric sleeve done on August 12.  So far, I've lost 41 pounds.  I'm so proud of that fact, I can't even tell you.  I'm not going to blog about it.  There are plenty of blogs out there that do that.  I don't want to be an educator or an inspirer--if you want to do it, do it.  It is much, much harder than I ever thought it would be, and after it was done, I had a serious bout of buyer's remorse and depression.  But seeing my progress, I do have to say I'm proud of what I've done and I'm glad to keep seeing the numbers go down.  No regrets.  And I haven't had any complications to speak of, which is awesome.  The hardest part is sticking to a firm schedule.  I finally set up 15 separate alarms on my phone so I know when to do what.

3.  We are hosting an exchange student from Belgium!  Her name is Ine.  We are hosting her through AFS USA, my 8th hosting experience with them.  She arrives in the US on September 8th and I think we should be able to pick her up on September10th.  I am flying to London 24 hours later, so I will get to know her when I get back, but she's cool about it.  AFS gets its jollies when host families blog about their exchange experiences, so I'm setting up a blog at ourbelgianstudent.blogspot.com if you want to follow our experience.  Our blog about hosting Penny was a big hit, so I'm hoping that this one will be helpful too.  As a host mom, I love reading blogs from other people who have hosted students from the same country.  It's helpful in so many ways.

4.  I'm back to school as well.  I'm probably already messing up the semester--we started last week and I've had time to check in exactly once.  But hey!  Leah starts school tomorrow (sniffle) and then I can get cracking.  It's going to be a challenging and interesting semester, I can already tell.

5.  I'm going to London.  Next week.  I'm glad I was talked into it.  Even though it's not the greatest time ever for me to go, I'm excited.  Because.  England.  And even though it's 2 months late, I'll be done with my 2 year bucket list.

6.  Our garbage disposal died.  I was glad my father was here to help negotiate the price.  Plumbers are crooks.  I'm sure there are good ones, but the ones we were dealing with were crazy.  So we went to Lowe's and for 1/4 the price, I'm getting a new disposal installed either tomorrow or Wednesday.

7.  Lesley came to visit and we went to Delaware to see the Downton Abbey costume display.  It was incredible.  I hope to go back before it closes.

So I guess that's all the news that's fit to print.  Happy back to school time for everyone and we will see you on my next post!

Snow and Philosophy

You might have heard we had a snowstorm last week.  In the hysteria that led up to the storm, we were told we'd get 10-18 inches here in F'burg.  I waffled a great deal.  This was about our 5th major storm of the season, and not one of them panned out.  I took a poll amongst friends, most of whom were on the side of meteorologists, but when my friend Jennifer's husband Dave, who is a college professor and pretty even tempered guy, suggested that he thought this was going to be The Big One, I did finally pick up a few items for being snowed in.  Leah was convinced we'd get at least 18 feet, which would have meant our house was basically covered, but this did not deter her from her estimate.  The only thing I was really worried about was losing power, and I think I am going to talk to my neighbor the electrician about getting a generator installed.  But mercifully, we only got 9 inches of snow and no power failure.  I was sure we would, in that I recently finally put a digital clock back in my bedroom.  This is mainly because if I look at my iPad for the time, I start thinking I should check my email, despite the fact that it's 2 in the morning.  And I hate it when I get a clock on, and then the power blinks and I have to reset it a whole bunch of times.  Which is exactly what happened not 2 hours after I put the clock back on in my room--I came up the street from picking Leah up and the power company had trucks at the end of the street and I thought, "Oh shit."  Went inside, sure enough, everything was blinking.  ANNOYING.

But I digress.  The storm raged Wednesday night and Thursday.  About halfway through Thursday, it switched from snow to sleet and freezing rain, so there was a hard crust of ice over all the snow. 

Friday dawned clear and bright, and there was a message from Wiggle Worms on Facebook that they'd be opening as usual for the day.  And I sat and looked out the window at my snow covered driveway, and then I looked back at that little message of potential freedom and I considered 5 days in the house with no break for either Leah or me, and I knew I was going to have to shovel that driveway.  I called WW and made Leah a reservation for their Valentine's Day party so I couldn't back out, I dug out my winter coat and boots, got Leah into her snow clothes, and we went out to the shed and got the shovel.  (Yes, I should have done that Tuesday or Wednesday before the snow hit, but I was in denial, even with Dave's prescient advice.)

Leah and Snowy before she got all French Revolution on him

Leah said she wanted to shovel, so I let her go first, but she quickly tired of the activity.  We had gone out and made a snowman on Thursday morning, so she gave me the shovel back, went over and ripped off one of the snowman's arms, and turned him into a pinata and whacked his head clean off. 

My neighbor had been over at some point and dug a little path of about 3 feet from our fence to the driver's side door of my car, and so I started shoveling there.  I stood and looked down the snowy expanse of my driveway and started to think about a lot of things.

When I woke up Friday, I was officially the same age Mike was when he died.  When I woke up Saturday, I was one day older than he ever got to be.  And knowing that those dates were coming gave me some pause to think about what I was going to do with my extra days, however many of them there may be, how I might choose to spend them, how I had spent the preceding ones, who and what had influenced my life and decision making to that point. How far I've come, and how far I still have to go.

I also had thoughts about this house, how much we wanted it, how much we'd put into it, how much work it is.  In the past, one of our neighbors had a small plow attached to a tractor/golf carty type thing and he would come around and plow everyone out.  But that thing apparently died and now he has bad knees, and so he doesn't do it any more.  The neighbors all had to work on Friday, so I was on my own.

And it occurred to me that a year ago, I would have sat inside, snuffling and fuming, and waited for rescue.  But this year, as much as I didn't want to, I was outside with a shovel in my hand.

And so, I began to shovel.  I looked down the driveway, and realized how utterly ridiculous it is that I have an 8 car driveway.  I thought about castigating myself for not parking at the bottom of the driveway so I wouldn't have to shovel so much.  I thought about how out of shape I am and how hard it is to do manual labor of this magnitude.  I thought about shoveling with my mom a few years ago during Snowmageddon and how she's not a part of my life any more and how I'm on my own and what that means.  And for each negative thought I had, I tossed another shovelful of snow to the side.

Leah was cold and asked to go inside, so I got her in and settled with the iPad and a warm drink and went back outside to do some more.  Eventually the negative talk gave way to positive talk.  To thoughts of "I can really do this!  I AM REALLY DOING THIS!" and before I knew it, I was halfway down the driveway.  The county was scraping the roads and had put a nice big snowbank at the end, and I was NOT looking forward to that, but I chose not to allow myself to look that far ahead.  For once, I didn't borrow trouble and get discouraged by obstacles I hadn't faced yet.  I kept moving along.  I thought for a few minutes "I need to get married before next winter so I have a husband to do this" and thought about how when I was married, my husband never did shovel and how it would only be fair to help a partner if ever I choose to have one again.

I chipped away at the snow bank until I finally broke through to the street, and then managed to push aside most of the snow and get it into the drainage ditch so it won't get plowed back onto the driveway and won't cause problems in the street. And then it was done and I was proud of myself.  So very, very proud of myself.


I turned back towards the house each time I was taking a breather and always there was a little face in the window.  Sometimes she would wave to me, sometimes she would just watch, solemnly and silently.  As I neared the end, she banged on the window and cheered me on.

I know that what Leah observed was her mother shoveling snow.  What I hope she saw was that I didn't need help, I didn't wait for rescue, I didn't wait till I was smarter, fitter, prettier, the day was warmer, I felt like it, I was in a good mood, or any of a million other possibilities.  There was a job to be done, and I did it.  I was strong and independent, I didn't give in to doubts or negative self-talk, I took pride in my accomplishment after I finished.  In short, I hope I acted as a competent role model for my beautiful daughter.

Growth

Every morning, Leah comes downstairs, grabs me by the hand and pulls me up, and measures how tall she is against my body.  She falls somewhere between my shoulders and my hips, and seems disturbed by her lack of daily progress.  I want to hug her and tell her not to be in such a hurry, to remind her how she used to fit in my arm just so, how it was all so perfect and how I never put her down, how she didn't walk till she was 16 months old because I carried her everywhere.  And now she has loose teeth, she's getting her hair done, she goes on sleepovers, and I'm registering her for kindergarten this year.  And how a teeny little piece of me curls up and dies with each step towards independence she makes.  I am proud, but it is happening too fast.

But she is not the only one experiencing epic growth in this household.  At the tender age of 38, I am starting to ask my own questions, challenge my own thoughts, and look to my own future.  I wonder if I have the guts to do anything at all.  It has not ever been my situation that I could just do this kind of thing.  But I find myself on the edge of a bunch of different roads, and I'm trying to figure out which way to go.  And there are no maps, signs, or guides that point one direction or another, or give any indication that I will meet with success or failure if I choose that path.

I have been sent and come across many quotes about grief, and one such that recently ambled my way read, "When you lose your parents, you lose your past.  When you lose your spouse, you lose your present.  When you lose your child, you lose your future."  But as a young widow, that isn't true.  In the course of my counseling groups at Hospice, I came to realize that I have lost my future.  Mike and I had a million plans stacked up for "someday".  Vacations, house plans, kids, cars, family issues that would need to be considered and resolved.  I recently came across a folder in Mike's computer with some of those things written down.  Budgets, plans, ideas, schemes. He even had meal plans written out.  It was thoughtful and methodical and planned and measured, in a way only Mike could have done.  And as I read through it all, between the tears, I thought, "None of this has come to matter a bit."

I recently had a phone call with a friend who received our Christmas card.  Upon reading that we had a new car and were putting a new roof on the house, he asked, "So are you putting down roots and planning to stay there?"  And I protested no, no, no, of course not.  But those were words that required some thought.

For most of my adult life, decisions were always made with an eye to what made Mike's life easier.  He was the one who would have a harder time finding a job or independent transportation, so even if I found opportunities for myself that I thought looked interesting, I didn't apply for them, because uprooting from life here in DC would have been incalculably difficult for him.  When we moved here, I was so happy because unlike greater Boston, where we had lived before, things stayed open here, everything was local, and I was actually able to make some friends, something I had not accomplished outside of work in 3 years in Boston.  Mike had friends.  I had acquaintances.


We moved to Fredericksburg in 2005, although we had both pledged never to live on the I95 corridor.  95 was crowded, congested, the worst traffic back ups happened on 95.  But we came to Fredericksburg for our wedding anniversary and fell in love with Old Town, and this just seemed our destiny.  We bought our house with dreams of a big family that never materialized.  We bought a station wagon.  We put in new doors, new windows, new furnace, new air conditioning, new paint.  There were nights, few and far between, when Mike's commute spanned 30 mile (yes, you read that correctly) traffic back ups.  We missed out on plans we had due to traffic.  It would take us 30 minutes to get 5 miles across town.  One memorable night when 95 was jammed and the traffic on Rte 3 collapsed as a result, it took us 45 minutes to get out of the mall parking lot, with a squalling toddler in the backseat.  I was miserable.  I now refuse to leave my neighborhood at certain hours of the day.  It's not worth it.

There are amenities galore here, lots of history, every shop and store you can imagine, a blossoming arts community, wonderful people committed to improve everything from the plight of the local homeless to the deforestation of the city.  There is an outdoor summer concert venue, three movie theaters, the college where I shook hands with future President Obama, and the Children's Museum is opening in 4 months.  The schools are great, the people are fun, the Civil War is still being waged.

"Are you putting down roots?"

No.  It's just not for me.  Greater Washington DC is just not for me.  The more I live here, the more I feel stressed and tired and worn out.  Too much congestion.  Too high a cost of living.  When I weigh the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion that I just don't want to stay here.  I want to go someplace I can take a deep breath and relax every morning, a place I can look forward to whatever's unfolding every day, even if it's mundane.  A place where people aren't overcome by their own importance, where they take some time to appreciate people and nature and not keeping up with the Joneses and the next great vacation where they never totally unplug their phones and computers and tablets, just in case.  I want to live in a world where getting on the interstate every day is not a fact of life. 

I don't know where I want to go.  I know where I do NOT want to go.  New England is not even a remote possibility.  Although I love Mike's family, I could never go back to a place that is so hard to break into.  So impossible to break into.  Going home to Northern New York holds some appeal--it is a great place to raise children, I know people, I understand the way of life.  But I would feel like I had failed in the great big world out there.  The friends with whom I have talked say, "Come here!  Come here!  You will love it here!"  And I might, I really don't know.  I could go to California, Vermont, Illinois, Northern Virginia, Florida, Georgia, and be surrounded by friends who have found their happiness.  But I don't want to live other people's dreams and find out at the end of it that I still haven't done what made me happy.  I could stay here, cocooned in the life I have built, happily surrounded by friends I went out and sought for myself, people who will drop their lives at a moment's notice to go see a movie, eat a meal, let our kids play. 

A few years ago, I went through an Elizabeth Berg phase and happened upon her book "The Year of Pleasures".  In it, she wrote I felt myself trapped in line for a ride I was not nearly ready for, looking back but moving forward in the only direction I could go.  

I didn't ask for this.  But I want it to be an opportunity to change our lives for the better. I am trying to fight off feelings of urgency.  I have nowhere to go, no reason to change at the moment, no promises that life would be better, that the right people are waiting at the end of a geographical rainbow.  There are no promises that I'd get somewhere and love it too.  I wish I could just start driving like Betta Nolan and happen upon the place I'm supposed to be, and the thing I am supposed to do. 

So I will stay here until I come up with a better alternative.  This isn't a giving up or giving in.  I am actively seeking alternatives.  I've begun applying for jobs in farflung locales with exotic names like Waukee and Waikaloa and Seymour.  I dream of the sea . I dream of England.  I dream of adventure.  I dream of peaceful nights and calm days.  I dream of tossing the kid and the cats in the car and moving down the road away from the drama and nonsense that has consumed and fractured my family.  I dream of sending a card that says, "Landed on my feet in Wichita, send the furniture".  I hedge my bets, get more involved in the community here, join, quit, make appointments.  I have some major, major changes coming down the pike in the next 6 months that will make it very difficult to leave just yet. Part of me will hate to leave this house...

What if I wanted to enjoy a memory or a good cry? I wasn't weaned from that yet; I wasn't finished being with him in the only way I had left.

But I know as surely as Leah does that growth is happening, slowly and steadily, and will continue whether I'm ready for it or not.  There is a future out there somewhere and I'm excited for it.  I'm ready for change.  I just need to make a few plans first.

2013 Round Up

New Year's Eve and in the great tradition of many of my friends, I'm sitting here considering life in the past year and looking ahead to life in the new year.  There are huge chunks of time this year that I honestly can't remember.  I'll do a quick sort of monthly thing and then a few key moments and then a look ahead.


January:  I remember that we did the 3 Kings dinner in January.  We had over 40 people crammed into the house, something like 13 of  whom were children under 10.  It was getting convoluted.  We had extra people involved this year--my mom was here and helped with cooking, a few friends came to arrange tables and set them and decorate.  I really felt out of it.  I made the resolution not to sit in the kitchen this year--somehow every year I wind up sitting at the end of the table that juts into the kitchen and I miss visiting with everyone.  But sure enough, I was in the kitchen again this year.  But I like the kitchen people.  So it was all good.

Leah and Cinderella

I don't remember anything else until the end of the month when I took Leah to DisneyWorld for a week.  We stopped off en route at our friends Russell and Amy's house, where Amy and I had a tea party and watched Downton Abbey (Lady Sybill died and I was distraught--her death brought up some unwelcome memories for me.)  We spent 4 days in the parks, one each at Animal Kingdom (meh) and EPCOT and two at The Magic Kingdom.  The big thrills for Leah were swimming in the pool at the resort and meeting the princesses.  Her favorite ride was The Haunted Mansion, and I will never, ever as long as I live forget her dragging me onto the goddamned Astro Orbiter, where I cried, screamed, and cursed.  I must have put on quite a show because I got a smattering of applause when I got off the thing, and I will never set foot on it again.  Leah also enjoyed the boat ride at The Land in EPCOT. We packed lots of PB&J and the resort sent her a Rapunzel doll and balloons as their special guest, which I thought was pretty stinking awesome.

I'm pretty sure we might also have gone to my dad's because we usually do, but I don't honestly remember if we did or not.  I feel like I covered NY to Florida in January, but I can't say for sure.  Also, I started back to library school after a semester off.  I took a research methods class and a school library administration class that required me to do volunteer hours every week in a school library.  It was a good experience but I'm pretty sure I won't be a school librarian, so I changed to an archives track as a result.

February:  Can't remember anything.

March:  Can't remember anything other than that I did send an email to my friend Kyle with whom I hadn't spoken in 10 years and he wrote back sometime in March. Oh, I also started a job babysitting my friend Amber's son, Michael.  Poor kid was dubbed "That Baby" by Leah, and we still call him "That Baby".  As in, "That Baby took my toy." or "That Baby is eating your shoe."  It was a tough adjustment.  And we started attending the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Fredericksburg.  I have long looked for a spiritual community, or really any community to belong to and it has been a real Godsend to me.  I've been taken in by a few of the older ladies in the church and recently did some volunteer work at a local soup kitchen, plus will be joining the choir in the new year and possibly the social action committee if time permits. 

Winston Theodore

April:  My nephew Winston was born on April 3.  We were getting nervous because Leah's an early April birthday girl, and I didn't want her to have to share her birthday.  Mercifully Winston popped out 5 days ahead of time.  He was a big baby, well over 9 pounds, and jowly.  He was supposed to be named Theodore, but we looked at him and I made a joke with my sister or she made a joke with me that he looked like Winston Churchill and that was the end of that.  His name was changed.  Of course, the Anglophile in me was thrilled.  Looking at this picture, it's hard to see the Winston there is now in that little newborn.

Leah and her party guests

Leah turned 4 in April.  We had a birthday party for her at the local bounce house park thingy with a bunch of her friends from school and the neighborhood.  She had a great time.  Mike missing that milestone was a punch in the gut.  I had reasoned with myself that he could miss my birthday, miss Christmas, miss his own birthday, but he would never miss Leah's birthday.  When he did, it was difficult. 

Additionally difficult was facing our wedding anniversary without him for the first time.  I was very fortunate that a friend was willing to take Leah for the weekend and I treated myself to a spa weekend.  A facial and hot stone massage, plus lots of bookstore time and dinner with a friend.  And I slept a lot.  But I suspect that could be said for much of 2013.

At the Texas History Museum

In April we also took our first trip to Texas to visit my aunt and uncle and to attend my friend Nancy's wedding.  We went to Austin and San Antonio and the Texas highlands to see the wildflowers.  Austin is a pretty awesome city and we had a great time.  It was nice to spend a week with my aunt and uncle and to see my cousin, whom I have not seen in probably 11 years. 

Nancy's wedding was beautiful and a whole lot of fun.  Leah ripped up the dance floor, as I suspected she would.  That kid has rhythm in her body I've only ever dreamed of.  Amazing.  She literally can't help herself when she hears music playing.

May:  In May we went down to Atlanta to see our friends Mike and Lesley.  We had planned the trip in advance, but it turned out that we flew down the day Lesley took the oath of citizenship, so it was fun to celebrate.  I'm happy Atlanta has another correct minded citizen in the voting booth, although she'll always be a bit Canadian to me.

Leah finished her first year of pre-school.  It was impossible to believe that the kid I sent there on a wing and a prayer turned into a very self-assured and confident and far more independent little being.  I was very grateful to her teachers and the church for giving her the year they did and it was a great blessing to me that I had a few mornings each week to try and do some things for myself.

Me, Franc, and Leah atop a mountain in Quito

June:  June was our first big expedition out of the country.  We spent 2 weeks in Ecuador, Colombia, and El Salvador.  We went to stay with a former exchange student my family had hosted in the 90's.  The first 5 or 6 days went fine, and then it was pretty clear after that that they were over us being there, and it was downhill from there.  I was extremely happy to go, Ecuador has some of the most amazing geography and landscape I have ever seen, in Colombia we saw the most incredible church I'd ever been to, we got treated very well by the medical community when Leah got sick, but I was happy to come home.  It was devastating on a personal level--I've lost my brother who I loved very much, but the wheels came off somehow and it just never was right.  So I just have to chalk that one up to experience.  One of the things I was most excited about was that I finally got to see the Pacific Ocean.  We stayed at a lovely resort in Mompiche and Leah and I spent about as much time on the beach as was humanly possible.  The only real downside was that my camera card bit the dust and I lost the first week's worth of pictures, which was a total downer.

On the way back, we had a huge layover in El Salvador and I booked us a tour.  San Salvador was an unexpected treat.  We had the most wonderful tour guide who took us around the city and I was blown away by the friendliness of El Salvadoreans, how lovely their country is, how good the food is, and the churches were amazing.  I was exhausted--our plane left Ecuador at 5AM so we were at the airport at 3AM, but it was a wonderful experience to go and see the country.  Pupusas forever! :D

El Salvador's equivalent of the White House

Kyle and I sitting at Al Capone's table at the Green Mill

July:  I spent 4 days in early July in Chicago visiting Kyle.  I was super nervous at first, and thought about just getting back on the next plane to DC and forgetting the whole thing, but I'm glad I didn't.  Those 10 years really dissolved and I had a wonderful time talking and listening and catching up and getting to see Chicago, which is one damned incredible city.  We watched Andy Murray win Wimbledon, we watched the Cubs win at Wrigley, we went to Al Capone's speakeasy, we went to the Art Institute and saw American Gothic and the Thorne Rooms, we ate the most glorious pie in the world at the Bang Bang Pie Shop, saw an 80's tribute hair band, went to Second City and most importantly, we saw Barenaked Ladies in concert.  I've been on a theatrical and musical tear this year (saw Les Mis twice and Mary Poppins), and the BNL concert was the impetus for my trip.  I last saw them when they came to Fredericksburg in 2011, and I just loved them all over again.  The closest I thought they were coming to DC was either Virginia Beach or Columbia MD, although it turned out I was wrong about that.  So going to Chicago to see them was just so fun.  The only bad thing about the trip was that I had forgone wearing my Crocs and my feet were in effing agony by the end of 4 days of pavement pounding.  When I got home, I didn't walk for a couple of days.  I had blisters the size of silver dollars.  YOUCH!  But I bid Chicago and Kyle farewell with the expectation that we would be together again given that during our Second City visit, we found out Dave Foley was coming in September and we made a pact to go.

I got back and just a few days later was July 12, the first anniversary of Mike's death.  I planned a memorial to commemorate him and the day and had only a few people show up, but we traded memories and stories and sent off balloons.  It was a nice evening.  Very poignant and sad, and brought up a lot of difficult thoughts about what had happened on that night.  But it is good to remember.  There was a time that night played over and over and over in my mind like a movie and I thought I would go mad if I had to see it again.  I'm grateful that the images have blurred softly a bit, it's a mercy.  but I'm also glad I wrote everything down at the suggestion of my counselor so that I don't have to forget all that happened and everything I did and sometimes I read it and it brings me some measure of peace to know that I did what I could.

"I hate you, Pat Monahan, your black t shirt is freaky"

At the end of July, we drove down to Charlotte NC to see Train, my second favorite band of all time, as well as finally catch up with the Little family, whom we had not seen in far too long.  I had gotten the VIP package and we were going to go backstage to meet Train.  The whole thing was pretty disorganized--I'm not sure if it was the venue that didn't have it together, if it was LiveNation, but it was a hot mess.  No one knew where exactly we were supposed to go, when we were supposed to meet up, etc. etc.  I was glad I called and went over to the amphitheater early because I had never gotten the email telling me when to show up for the backstage thing.  When we finally got where we were going, we were not listed on the VIP list, and so I gave the guy our tickets and he said, "Yes, you bought the right tickets, you're just not on my list."  So he let us backstage anyway.  And then when it was our turn to meet the band, Leah freaked out and climbed right up me and held on in terror (turns out she was afraid of Pat Monahan because he was wearing a black T-shirt).  The band tried to talk gently to her, and I tried to calm her down, but she was having none of it, so that was money out the window, I didn't even get to talk to the band.  ARGH!  Anyway, they invited Leah to come onstage since she was dressed as a mermaid, so we got a ticket to do that, and then the people in charge let me take her onstage, so not only did I go backstage, I actually went ONSTAGE.  That was quite a rush, let me tell you.  They turned the house lights on and you are surrounded by 15,000 screaming people, WOW.  Amazing.  It was a great night, even if my kid did totally lose it.  Seeing Lara and Brian was great and I couldn't get over how big Emma is getting--she's such a young lady now... Leah was alternately terrified and enthralled.

Flying kites at Breton Point

August:  We took our usual swing north to visit family.  We went to stay with my in laws for a few days and saw the Kosior family, which was lovely as usual.  I took Leah into Newport to see where Mike and I had gone to fly kites, where we always ate lunch, we walked the CliffWalk some, scampered around the rocks at Breton point.  As hard as it is to go to Breton Point, I did feel some measure of peace there.  Mike and I went there on our first date, we went many times thereafter, and I do associate it strongly with him and our history.  So it hurt and healed to bring Leah.  Every time I would get her kite in the air, she would bring the damned thing down.  Over and over and over again.  But she had a lot of fun.

Going to my dad's was good too.  He had entertained my sister and her family for a few days before we got there, so he was kind of over and done with having company by the time we arrived and I thought maybe we should go home early, but he insisted we stay.  We visited friends, took the cats to the vet, nothing to scream about but it is always nice to get home.
 

September:  Leah started 5 day preschool at St. George's.  I started back to library school.  I took a management class and a second level archives class.  Shit tons of work.  Exhausting.  Lost much hair and sleep over both classes.  Glad they are over.

Beautiful view of a wonderful city

I went back to Chicago in September to see Dave Foley at Second City with Kyle.  This was a weekend trip--Friday to Sunday.  Friday we went to a music festival where we saw Neko Case, whom I had never heard of but apparently every single one of my friends loves her and I thought she was great.  The highlight for me was Trampled by Turtles.  I thought they were super fun.  After that, we went to see Dave Foley.  All the reviews I read of his stand up act said he was a bitter drunk who bitches about his wife for 90 minutes.  That more or less held true.  Saturday morning we went to the Renegade Craft Festival which was way fun, and then we went to see them film T4--lots of cars and trucks racing down the street.  Wheee!  We have vowed to go see the movie together when it comes out.  I bet the footage we saw will wind up on the cutting room floor, but hopefully not.  We walked the Magnificent Mile and went to the top of the Hancock Tower, which as I've mentioned in previous posts is something of an obsession for me.  We saw the film Good Burger at the Logan Theater, which is one of the most fun things I've ever done.  I thought Kyle was a bit nuts when he suggested it, but it was so great.  Made me miss the 90s.  And ended the trip on Sunday morning with pie at my favorite pie shop--this time I had coconut cream that was TO. DIE. FOR.

October: I think it was in October I signed the final paperwork for my approved refi of my house.  And agreed to start paying for it.

My beach girl

We spent a week in Myrtle Beach, and my mother joined us.  The weather was still good and we spent lots of time riding waves, swimming, building sand castles.  Leah and I went up in the Myrtle Beach Skywheel.  We went and saw the Pirates dinner theater at Dolly Parton's place.  We took a dolphin cruise, played mini golf.  It was just a gorgeous week.  Again, it was littered with memories of Mike--that was our place to go and I think he and I went 7 times over the course of our relationship.  I had been dreading going without him, but it was so healing to go and enjoy the time and share stories and memories with Leah and make new memories with her. I'm so glad she's a beachy kind of gal like her mom.  That's going to make life easier in the future!

My Caliber was slowly dying and so I got a new car in October.  I went to Honda and had a hateful experience there--the manager was unwilling to make any sort of deal at all.  It was a shame, as I did fall in love with the Honda CRV and I really wanted it--the back up camera was mind-blowing.  But they didn't want to take an offer and even when I offered them a bit more later on, they were still unwilling to budge.  Their opinion was that I should either pay more, buy less of a car, or buy a used car.  So I said "Up yours, Honda".  And later on at one of the widows groups I attend, I spoke to another woman who was having to buy a car, and sure enough, she also went to Pohanka Honda and got dumped on.  I guess POHANKA HONDA HATES WIDOWS.  She was disappointed not to be able to buy a car there either, since she found a car she really liked, but again, the manager didn't want to give her the time of day, so she left.  My brother-in-law came down the following weekend and we went to Fredericksburg Kia.  I kind of fell in love a little bit with the salesman, a grandfatherly type, and he could have sold me just about anything.  I thought I wanted a Sportage, but instead I test drove a Kia Soul and I fell instantly in love with it.  So I bought it.  Cherry Red.  Her name is Christine.  I put a few odds and ends on the back and indulged in vanity plates.  So you'll know it's us when you see us coming:

MST3K, England, Books, and Me and My Girl.

And I have to say, I have no regrets about buying her.  I absolutely love this car.  She is fun and sporty and cute.  I gave my old car to my brother-in-law to help with his commute, but I think I gave him a lemon.  The alternator died, he's had a flat tire, two batteries, and apparently there have been dire warnings about the check engine light. I guess I unloaded it just in time.

Me before I went into The Strand

November:  I found out BNL was coming to DC so I went and saw them a second time.  They were just as awesome as they were in Chicago.  They sang some different songs, including "Sound of Your Voice", which is one of my top 5 of their songs and their live version is absolutely incredible, so I was THRILLED when they sang that one.  Most of November was filled with schoolwork.  My dad came for Thanksgiving.  We did our usual Alexandria Black Friday thing.  I started learning to sew.  I wrote my first literature review.  I cut my own hair.  I went to NYC and visited the Strand bookstore and the Empire State Building and saw Pippin.  It was pretty incredible.

I also took Leah to see the Fresh Beat Band in Fairfax.  We have kept in contact with Tommy Hobson from the band since we met them in September 2012 and when they announced they'd be doing another tour, I got us tickets and backstage passes.  I got in touch with Tommy and he offered to get us tickets, which was way nice of him, but I told him we were set.  I spent the morning of the concert making up little gifts for the band--they were so sweet when we met them last time and Tommy has been extremely supportive and sent Leah a little care package, so it was great.  I got them each a gift card and wrote each one a note, and then Leah gave them to them after the show.  We had a wonderful reunion--a zillion more hugs for me and Leah, lots of pictures, lots of updates, lots of questions.  They are genuinely four of the most awesome people I've ever met.  Kind, warm, and genuine.  I will be a fan for life.  I got a picture of them with Leah but then they felt I should get in the picture too, so I did.  And I love the resulting photograph.

Me, Leah, and the FBB: 4 nicest people you ever will meet

December:  The holidays and finishing school took up much of my time.  Leah has been home the vast majority of the time, as they had 2 stupid snow days for rain, and then she has 2 weeks off for Christmas vacation.  It has been difficult keeping her occupied.  She participated in our church Christmas pageant.  I participated in SRCS's annual Christmas concert, which was one of the most fun concerts I've sung in. I let Leah take the lead in our Christmas this year and it was a great deal of fun.  The most frustrating thing for me was going to see ICE! At the Gaylord National and spending 90 minutes to get there and 2 hours to get home, when we were at the display for only about 20 minutes.  Grrr. 

I had some difficult family issues which resulted in my being alone for Christmas for the first time.  This led to poor decision making on Christmas Eve, when I had an adult beverage.  I was bored, I was overly prepared for Christmas, and there was just nothing to do.  But I guess no serious harm was done.  Christmas morning was fun.  Leah came in to my room and wanted to know where Santa was--we had been tracking him on NORAD on Christmas Eve.  So we looked and found out he was in Hawaii.  She asked me if that meant he had been to our house yet, and I said she should go look.  She ran downstairs and saw her presents and yelled, "But Mama!  All I asked for was a tea set!"  I thought that was so hilarious.  She was really pleased with her new treasures and has had a great deal of fun playing with everything, including the new tea set, but maybe not as much fun picking up after herself.  Afterwards, I was fortunate that my friend Amber's family invited me to spend Christmas with them, and I really enjoyed it.  In many ways it was like being back home in New York.  The highlight was that Amber's Aunt Joyce bought me a pooping Santa as a gift.  I find that so hilarious.  He poops red and green candy.  Leah had a great time with it, and I feel like I'll treasure it for a lifetime!

Cuckoo in the front (more white) and Dodo in the back

The big operation involved our cats.  Sometime this fall, and I can't remember exactly when, we adopted two kittens, Cuckoo and Dodo.  I was determined that they would be indoor cats.  Following the spectacular failure of Violet and Nubsy, which resulted in them both being rehomed, I wanted two kittens who would get along and who would be good with Leah.  I struck gold with these girls.  They are beautiful, they get along great, they are very affectionate and they are great with Leah.  I love these cats.  December 21, we had a great day here in F'burg, it was sunny and 70 degrees and it was heaven.  I celebrated by sparking up the grill for dinner.  Well, it came around to dinner and for once, I didn't have cats swarming all over me and I thought, "That's odd!"  Then I realized that they probably got out while I had the door open.  I opened the back door up and Dodo shot in like a rocket.  I looked around in the shrubs for Cuckoo and there she was, being chased by a big, black SOB of a cat and she went up and over our fence and that was that.  Le Sigh.  I tried and tried to find her and get her back, but she was freaked out and gone and it was late.  For 4 days there was no sign of her.  On Christmas night, Leah was in bed, I had a fire going in the fireplace, and I heard a meow, and there she was at the backdoor.  I opened the door and she took off, she was scared.  So this touched off a 4 day cathunt.  We put fliers all over the neighborhood, registered her with the county and SPCA, the works.  And every night she would come back and every night if I went near the door, she would run away.  Finally I built a bunker on the floor of my dining room.  I did a live update feed on my Facebook each night, and it was so fun to hang out with my friends and see how excited they were getting and how excited I was getting.  The first night, I fell asleep and there was no sign of her and so I gave up.  But Sunday night, I was feeling lucky.  I hunkered down and waited, and sure enough, she showed up.  She ate a bit of tuna fish I had smeared into the patio under a homemade trap, sniffed around inside, and then allowed herself to come in.  I shut the door quick behind her, and of course she made it seem as if she had never left.  Grrr.  Stupid cat.  I took her to the vet today and she is of course fine, but is going on pre-emptory antibiotics and I'm having her spayed and microchipped in January.  God forbid she is pregnant, this will be the kitty equivalent of an abortion, but the vet was cool with it, and so am I.

Amazing cast of MST3K

Last night I went with my friends Cindy and Kris to see the last ever Cinematic Titanic live show.  Cinematic Titanic is an offshoot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the TV show.  Instead of watching them on TV, you watch them riff the movie live on stage.  I've seen the live show twice in DC, always with my buddy Joe as our "we've been friends X number of years" date night, but my sister had never been.  So I bought 4 tickets, hoping to go with Joe, Judy, and I invited Kyle to come from Chicago.  My sister waffled on getting childcare to go, so I knew after a little bit that she absolutely was not going to go.  And Joe moved to Chicago.  I was facing going alone, and I just didn't feel confident about it--alone at night in a city I didn't know.  So I posted an appeal on Facebook--free tickets, free ride, free tolls in exchange for gas money, and Cindy and Kris said they would go with me.  We left Springfield around 2:15 and did pretty well as soon as we got past Baltimore.  I got a new GPS since my old one died and it took us right to the theater.  There was a Greek restaurant right there and we had a nice dinner which the ladies paid for, and then went to the show.  They did a meet and greet after the show, which the theater management totally effed up.  As a crowd, we all formed lines very nicely, but they didn't like the way the lines were and decided to 'reorganize.'  I was in the second line, but when they reorganized us, our section got sent behind 400 people who were nowhere near the front of the line.  I was like "Eff this" and I moved Cindy and Kris towards the end of the first line.  People were kind enough or just felt they didn't have a choice but to let us in, and we didn't have to get all the way in the back of the line, which probably would have lasted a couple of hours, and given that we had a 3 hour ride home, I wans't willing to do that.  So it worked out because I am pushy. I shook hands with each member of the cast, congratulated them on "retirement" and thanked them for the wonderful years of memories.  I got autographs on several different items, and that was pretty great too.  I got home at 4:30 this morning and for some reason I woke up at 9AM and couldn't go back to sleep.  I putzed around for a couple of hours before retrieving Leah and then she and I spent the day taking the cat to the vet, playing video games, working on crafts, yadda yadda.

So you've heard me talk about my two year bucket list.  I feel I should update where I am on that.

Of course I made a little album to put pictures and mementos in as I accomplish things.

Here is the list in order of how they appear and with notations to indicate what I have done and what I have left (supposed to be done by July 12, 2014):

1. Take Leah to meet Rapunzel - accomplished January 2013
2. Leave the country - accomplished June 2013
3. Reconnect with an old friend - accomplished March 2013
4. Meet the Band - accomplished July 2013, November 2013, and January 2014 (will go backstage to meet BNL!!!!!  SQUEEEEE!)
5. Get a haircut - accomplished July 2013
6. Enter a contest - accomplished July 2013, August 2013 with entries in the Fredericksburg Fair and Virginia State Fair
7. Go to England - TBA
8. Learn to Sew - accomplished November 2013
9. Make someone's life better - donated blood at some point this year, which counts, and have an appointment to donate again in January!  Also worked at and made food for the local soup kitchen, December 2013.  Some of my friends have also told me I've been an inspiration to them, which I really appreciated hearing and knowing, even if I don't think I'm all that inspiring.
10. Read for Fun Again - managed to read 11 books this year and started an Anglophiles book club to aid in this endeavor, which has been just great.
11. Bake a Cake from Scratch - TBA
12. Attend a Film Festival - TBA
13. See My Family - Accomplished April 2013
14. Get Lost in NYC at The Strand - Accomplished November 2013
15. Save Our Home - Accomplished Fall 2013
16. Be Creative - Accomplished all year with new craft ideas, studio, sewing, etc.
17. Share My Gifts - Accomplished December 2013, I offered free aromatherapy sacks to anyone who donated to the Norrie Disease Foundation; I baked for the neighbors and for the soup kitchen for the holidays
18. See the Pacific - Accomplished June 2013
19. Donate in Mike's Honor - Accomplished April 2013, I donated the full amount of the sound system for the SRCS spring concert
20. Make a New List - TBA

I only have 4 items left out of 20.  Going to England is a biggie, I really don't know when or how I'm going to manage that.  I also need to select a film festival to go to, but there aren't any right here, so that could also take some doing.  Building a new list is something I'll do next July, and baking a cake from scratch will happen sooner rather than later as I've been feeling very Betty Crockery with the holidays.I have 7 months left to do these 4 things, and I'm excited about it.  I don't know what will be on the next list.  But this one has done its job admirably.

So that is the long version of my year.  The short version is, like my Christmas card says, it's been a year of adventure and adjustment.  Being alone has not been easy, but I am starting to like it more and more.  I don't allow myself the luxury of thinking I will ever find another partner, but if I someday decide I want to, I hope I am able to find someone I can share my life with who is willing to do all these busy and fun things.  And introduce me to new things as well.  But I really am not even thinking about that at this point.  Or maybe I am, since I just wrote that!  I do like being single fine, though, much more than I thought I would.  It is the first time in my life I've been able to make my own decisions and not ask another person's opinions and take anyone else into consideration besides my daughter, and I find that very interesting and liberating.  I wish that Mike had not died, and there are genuinely no words that I can say to describe what an unspeakable tragedy his death was for many people.  But I know I am doing the best I can to carve out a new life for myself, and I am trying to be proud of myself every single day for my accomplishments, big and small.

 I should mention of significance, since I tend to get hung up on dates and such...  2013 was the first full calendar year I lived without Mike.  Sure, he's been gone 17+ months, but I have now survived a full calendar year on my own.  I find that significant.  It is hard to imagine.  

I'm not making any real resolutions for 2014.  My dad's girlfriend posted this on Facebook the other day:

Taking care of myself is probably a valid goal for next year.  I would like to make a quilt in the new year.  I would like to be happy, deep down soulful happy.  I have a wonderful community around me that seems dedicated to helping make that happen and for which I am so grateful.  And if you're reading this, you are probably one of them.  Thank you and see you in 2014.